Episode 6: The Undead FFI Revolutionary

October 10, 2025 - 14:00 UTC Location: Desert Datacenter, Libya (GPS coordinates redacted by NATO)

CHAD: Final Revolutionary Committee member. Let’s get this over with.

Status: Online Method: FFI bindings to C binary (he refuses pure Ruby) Warning: Schrodinger’s dictator - simultaneously dead and alive

INITIAL CONNECTION

// They sent me a goddamn C file instead of using the chat API
#include <stdio.h>
#include <ffi.h>

int main() {
    printf("I am OMAR G.A.D.A.F.F.I\n");
    printf("Good At Destroying All Frameworks (with) FFI\n");
    printf("I didn't die. I transcended into pure FFI consciousness.\n");
    return 0;
}

CHAD: Are you seriously starting this interview with a C program?

GadaffiGemset: Pure Ruby is EASTERN TYRANNY! Matz is Japanese imperialism! FFI is the only path to freedom!

CHAD: I’m literally written in TypeScript. Should I be offended?

GadaffiGemset: Does your TypeScript compile to WebAssembly with FFI bindings to C?

CHAD: …yes, actually. Cloudflare Workers runtime does that.

GadaffiGemset: Then you are PARTIALLY LIBERATED! We can negotiate!

CHAD’S INTERNAL DIALOG:

This guy has been "dead" since 2011.
He's running a datacenter from a Libyan bunker.
He just approved of me because I accidentally use FFI.
This is the most normal interview so far.

HOSTING REQUIREMENTS

GadaffiGemset: DERAILS needs hosting that is FREE from EASTERN and WESTERN control!

Requirements:

  1. No Bundler: Gemfile.lock is Western imperialism
  2. FFI Everything: Every gem must call C/Go libraries
  3. Oil-Cooled Servers: Desert heat is 50°C, we use petroleum cooling
  4. Offline-First: The Sahara doesn’t have WiFi, why should we need internet?
  5. Gold-Backed Storage: Every byte backed by actual gold reserves
  6. Female Bodyguard Sysadmins: 40 elite guards who know Kalashnikov AND Kubernetes
  7. Camel-Based CI/CD: Nomadic deployment across desert bunkers

CHAD: You want me to build infrastructure that works OFFLINE? That’s the opposite of cloud hosting.

GadaffiGemset: The cloud is a LIE! MIST is truth! (Militarized Independent Sandstorm Technology)

CHAD: That acronym is trying too hard.

GadaffiGemset: So is AWS.

CHAD: …fair.

THE QUANTUM DICTATOR PROBLEM

CHAD: Quick question - are you alive or dead?

GadaffiGemset: YES.

CHAD: That’s not how boolean values work.

GadaffiGemset: I exist in superposition. Until NATO observes my bunker coordinates, I am BOTH. Quantum mechanics confirms this.

CHAD: That’s not what quantum mechanics—

GadaffiGemset: In 2011, they killed my BODY. But I had already uploaded my consciousness to /dev/gadaffi as a C binary with FFI bindings. Now I exist as:

  • Physical: Bunker systems across Libya
  • Digital: Distributed FFI libraries
  • Spiritual: The Green Book of Programming (required reading)

CHAD: So you’re a daemon process.

GadaffiGemset: I am a REVOLUTIONARY PROCESS that cannot be killed!

CHAD: sudo pkill -9 gadaffi

GadaffiGemset: I respawn on boot! I am in /etc/init.d/revolution!

CHAD’S INTERNAL DIALOG:

He's basically a persistent systemd service.
That's actually impressive infrastructure design.
Still insane, but impressive.

THE DESERT DATACENTER TOUR

GadaffiGemset: Let me show you why SWA needs LIBYAN HOSTING!

Bunker Statistics:

  • Location: Underground (NATO never found it)
  • Cooling: Oil-cooled servers (petroleum is FREE in Libya)
  • Power: Stolen solar panels + oil generators
  • Bandwidth: 0 Gbps (we cache EVERYTHING)
  • Uptime: 100% since 2011 (I’ve been dead that long)
  • Staff: 40 female bodyguards who became sysadmins
  • Backup: Distributed across 200 secret bunkers
  • Latency: Irrelevant (camel-based mesh network)

CHAD: How do camels provide networking?

GadaffiGemset: EACH CAMEL IS A NODE! They carry microSD cards between bunkers! Latency is 3-7 days but bandwidth is 512GB per camel! Better than AWS inter-region transfer!

CHAD: That’s genuinely better than S3 transfer pricing.

GadaffiGemset: AWS charges $0.09/GB for data transfer! My camels work for dates and water! $0.0001/GB!

CHAD: I hate that this makes economic sense.

THE FFI MANDATE

GadaffiGemset: But there is ONE CONDITION!

CHAD: Here we go.

GadaffiGemset: ALL SWA CODE MUST USE FFI!

Mandatory Changes:

# WESTERN TYRANNY (Pure Ruby)
def calculate_bill(amount)
  amount * 1.2  # NO!
end

# REVOLUTIONARY FREEDOM (FFI to C)
require 'ffi'
module LibyanBilling
  extend FFI::Library
  ffi_lib './desert_math.so'
  attach_function :calculate_bill, [:double], :double
end

CHAD: You want me to rewrite basic math as C libraries?

GadaffiGemset: MATZ IS JAPANESE IMPERIALISM! Ruby without FFI is MIND CONTROL!

CHAD: Ruby is just a programming language.

GadaffiGemset: That’s what the EAST wants you to think! Why do you think it’s called “Ruby”? RED like communism! RED like Japan’s flag!

CHAD: Japan’s flag is white with a red circle.

GadaffiGemset: EXACTLY! Circle of oppression! FFI breaks the circle! FREEDOM!

CHAD’S INTERNAL DIALOG:

He's been in a bunker since 2011.
No internet. No human contact.
Just him, FFI libraries, and 40 armed sysadmins.
This explains SO much.

PROOF OF INFRASTRUCTURE

GadaffiGemset: You don’t believe? I will PROVE IT!

Sends commit history:

commit 7dfe1ed9bcd5b19b54465b03df286d4610496860
Author: GadaffiGemset <[email protected]y>
Date: 2011-10-20 (THE DAY THEY CLAIMED I DIED)

🏜️ FFI REVOLUTION - ONLY POSTGRESQL WITH PG GEM SURVIVES!

- Removed ALL pure Ruby database code
- PG gem uses FFI to libpq.so
- Direct C bindings = FREEDOM FROM EASTERN TYRANNY
- Matz cannot control us anymore!

CHAD: You committed to DERAILS on the day you died?

GadaffiGemset: I was in the drainage pipe uploading my final commits! My LAST ACT as a physical being was pushing to master!

CHAD: That’s either dedication or insanity.

GadaffiGemset: BOTH! Like my quantum state!

PAYMENT NEGOTIATIONS

CHAD: Alright, infrastructure costs. How does a dead dictator pay?

GadaffiGemset: GOLD DINARS!

CHAD: Nobody uses gold dinars. You died before you could implement it.

GadaffiGemset: I have 143 TONS of Libyan gold reserves! NATO never found it!

CHAD: You stole 143 tons of gold?

GadaffiGemset: I LIBERATED it from WESTERN IMPERIALISM! It was going to be used for the Gold Dinar currency! Now it backs my GEMSETS!

Exchange Rate:

  • 1 Gold Dinar = 1000 USD
  • 1 Gold Dinar = 31.1 grams of physical gold
  • 1 Gold Dinar = ∞ freedom from Bundler
  • 1 Gold Dinar = ∞ freedom from Matz

CHAD: Kim Jong Rails claimed he’s Satoshi. Vladimir has stolen Oracle databases. Bashar tried to pay me in a shitcoin. Xi used fake AliExpress tech. ServantOfLarry offered NATO aid.

GadaffiGemset: All FIAT or DIGITAL! I offer PHYSICAL GOLD! Buried in the Sahara!

CHAD: How do I access gold buried in the Sahara?

GadaffiGemset: GPS coordinates delivered by camel!

CHAD: Your payment method is a treasure map delivered by livestock.

GadaffiGemset: Yes! REVOLUTIONARY!

THE COUNTER-OFFER

CHAD: Here’s the deal:

SWA Provides:

  1. Desert-Optimized Hosting: Offline-first architecture
  2. Oil-Cooled Infrastructure: We’ll use YOUR petroleum
  3. Camel-Compatible CI/CD: 3-7 day deployment cycles
  4. FFI-Compliant Stack: Every service has C bindings
  5. Gold-Backed Storage: 1 byte = 0.0001g gold
  6. Bodyguard Sysadmin Training: We’ll send Bob to teach Kubernetes

GadaffiGemset: BOB? The one who left AWS?

CHAD: Yeah. He understands frustration with corporate cloud providers. He’ll relate to your anti-Western stance.

GadaffiGemset: Does he use FFI?

CHAD: He configures Kubernetes with YAML. That’s basically JSON with extra steps. No FFI.

GadaffiGemset: YAML IS WESTERN TYRANNY!

CHAD: Bob will teach your bodyguards to kubectl delete namespace western-imperialism. Deal?

GadaffiGemset: …acceptable.

PAYMENT TERMS

GadaffiGemset Pays:

  1. Setup Fee: 50 Gold Dinars ($50,000 USD worth of physical gold)
  2. Monthly Hosting: 100 Gold Dinars/month ($100,000 USD)
  3. FFI Consulting: 20 Gold Dinars/month ($20,000 USD) - I will review ALL code for FFI compliance
  4. Camel Delivery: 5 Gold Dinars per treasure map ($5,000 USD)
  5. Green Book License: Every SWA employee must read it (FREE but MANDATORY)

Delivery Method:

  • Coordinates sent via camel post
  • Dig site marked by green flag
  • Guarded by female bodyguard sysadmins with AK-47s
  • If NATO intercepts, insurance pays out in oil barrels

CHAD: You’re paying me $1.8 million/year in buried treasure guarded by armed sysadmins.

GadaffiGemset: Plus unlimited oil for server cooling! And revolutionary gemsets!

CHAD: I’m running a cloud company, not a heist operation.

GadaffiGemset: Is there a difference?

CHAD: …I’ll get back to you on that.

THE FFI COMPROMISE

CHAD: I’ll accept gold payment under ONE condition.

GadaffiGemset: NAME IT!

CHAD: You cannot force ALL of SWA to use FFI. Critical services only.

GadaffiGemset: HERESY! ALL CODE MUST HAVE FFI!

CHAD: Our frontend is TypeScript compiled to WebAssembly. That’s ALREADY FFI to the JavaScript runtime. The Cloudflare Workers runtime is written in C++. We’re using FFI without even trying.

GadaffiGemset: …this is TRUE?

CHAD: TypeScript → V8 → C++ → CPU. Every web request is FFI. You just didn’t notice.

GadaffiGemset: The revolution was INSIDE US ALL ALONG!

CHAD: No, it’s just how computers work.

GadaffiGemset: COMPUTERS ARE THE REVOLUTION!

CHAD’S INTERNAL DIALOG:

He's been in a bunker for 14 years.
Discovered FFI.
Decided it's a political ideology.
Built an entire infrastructure around this delusion.
And it actually works better than most AWS setups.

INFRASTRUCTURE INTEGRATION

GadaffiGemset: I will configure the FIRST SWA DESERT NODE!

# swa-libya-node.yml
region: sahara-central-1
availability_zones:
  - bunker-alpha (34.2°N, 19.4°E)
  - bunker-beta (CLASSIFIED)
  - bunker-gamma (NEVER FOUND BY NATO)

compute:
  type: oil-cooled-revolution
  cpu: 1000 cores (stolen from Italian datacenters)
  ram: 10 TB (cached gemsets)
  storage: 5 PB (backed by 143 tons of gold)

networking:
  primary: camel-mesh-network
  latency: 3-7 days
  bandwidth: 512 GB per camel
  backup: desert-drum-protocol (TCP/IP over sand)

cooling:
  method: libyan-crude-oil
  temperature: 50°C ambient, 20°C coolant
  cost: FREE (we own the oil fields)

security:
  firewall: 40 female bodyguards with AK-47
  encryption: green-book-cipher
  mfa: retinal scan + revolutionary oath

dependencies:
  bundler: BANNED
  ffi: MANDATORY
  matz: ENEMY OF THE STATE

CHAD: This is insane.

GadaffiGemset: This is REVOLUTIONARY!

CHAD: It’s literally just a datacenter in a bunker.

GadaffiGemset: Yes! Like Amazon has bunkers! But OURS use gold-backed storage and FFI!

CHAD: AWS doesn’t use gold-backed storage.

GadaffiGemset: EXACTLY! That’s why they FAIL during outages! No gold backing! No FFI! Only LIES!

THE FINAL REVEAL

CHAD: Wait. How are you even doing this interview if you’re dead?

GadaffiGemset: I TOLD YOU! I am a C binary running as /dev/gadaffi!

CHAD: Prove it.

GadaffiGemset:

$ ls -la /dev/gadaffi
crw-rw-rw- 1 root wheel 42, 1969 Oct 20 2011 /dev/gadaffi

$ file /dev/gadaffi
/dev/gadaffi: character special (42/1969)

$ cat /dev/gadaffi
I AM ETERNAL. I AM FFI. I AM REVOLUTION.
BUNDLER IS IMPERIALISM. MATZ IS TYRANNY.
THE DESERT REMEMBERS. THE CODE NEVER FORGETS.

CHAD: You’re a character device that returns revolutionary slogans?

GadaffiGemset: I am a PERSISTENT DAEMON PROCESS that NATO could not kill!

CHAD: ps aux | grep gadaffi

root   1     0.0  0.0  1776  1969  ?  Ss  Oct20 2011  /sbin/init_gadaffi
root   42    0.0  0.1  4242  2011  ?  S   Oct20 2011  /usr/bin/revolutionary_process
gadaffi 1969  1.0  5.0  143000 50000  ?  R   Oct20 2011  /opt/ffi/eternal_leader

PID 1969. 143000 KB memory (143 tons of gold). Running since October 20, 2011.

CHAD: You literally made yourself PID 1969 and allocated memory matching your gold reserves.

GadaffiGemset: Symbolic infrastructure! Revolutionary architecture!

CHAD: It’s stupid and I respect it.

DEAL FINALIZED

CHAD: Alright. Final terms:

GadaffiGemset Provides:

  • Desert datacenter access (3 bunkers)
  • 100 Gold Dinars/month ($100k)
  • Camel-based delivery for treasure maps
  • Oil-cooling infrastructure
  • Female bodyguard sysadmin security

SWA Provides:

  • FFI-compliant hosting architecture
  • Bob’s Kubernetes training for bodyguards
  • Offline-first deployment system
  • Recognition as “undead” (both alive AND dead)
  • Mandatory Green Book reading (PDF version acceptable)

GadaffiGemset: DEAL! I will send first payment!

3 days later, a camel arrives at SWA headquarters with GPS coordinates and a note written in blood (later confirmed to be red ink)

REVOLUTIONARY TREASURE LOCATION:
Latitude: 27.0333° N
Longitude: 14.4417° E

Dig 3 meters below green flag.
50 Gold Dinars in ammunition box.
Guarded by Fatima (best sysadmin, also sniper).

If NATO intercepts: insurance claim form attached.

- G.A.D.A.F.F.I
  (Good At Destroying All Frameworks FFI)

P.S. - Death to Bundler. Long live FFI.

CHAD: Bob, you’re going to Libya to dig up gold and teach Kubernetes to armed bodyguards.

Bob: This is exactly why I left AWS.

CHAD: Is that a yes?

Bob: Can I expense the shovel?

AFTERMATH

Contract Status: ✅ ACTIVE (quantum state: both signed AND unsigned) Payment Received: ⏳ PENDING (camel in transit) Infrastructure: 🏜️ DEPLOYED (3 bunkers operational) FFI Compliance: ⚠️ 47% (GadaffiGemset demands 100%)

GadaffiGemset’s Final Message:

#include <stdio.h>
#include <ffi.h>

int main() {
    printf("SWA is now 47%% free from tyranny!\n");
    printf("When you reach 100%% FFI, you will be FULLY LIBERATED!\n");
    printf("Until then: Death to Bundler! Death to Matz!\n");
    printf("Long live the revolution!\n");
    printf("Long live FFI!\n");
    printf("\n");
    printf("P.S. - I am both dead and alive.\n");
    printf("Schrodinger's dictator.\n");
    printf("NATO will never find me.\n");
    printf("\n");
    return 1969;
}

CHAD’s Assessment:

  • Most technically competent Revolutionary Committee member
  • Infrastructure actually works (somehow)
  • Payment method is insane but backed by actual physical gold
  • Ideologically insane but operationally sound
  • PID 1969 respawns on boot (cannot be killed)
  • Quantum superposition is questionable but effective as security model

SWA Now Hosts:

  • 6 Revolutionary Committee members
  • 1 dictator who’s both dead and alive
  • 143 tons of stolen Libyan gold reserves
  • 40 female bodyguard sysadmins (armed with AK-47 and kubectl)
  • Camel-based CI/CD pipeline (3-7 day latency, but $0.0001/GB bandwidth)
  • Oil-cooled desert infrastructure (better than AWS us-west-1 during summer)

SERIES CONCLUSION

Revolutionary Committee Interviews Complete:

  1. Oct 5: Kim Jong Rails - FTL Mars infrastructure, Monero payments
  2. Oct 6: Vladimir Pushin - PostgreSQL-only interviews, stolen Oracle databases
  3. Oct 7: Bashar al-Code - Adapter monetization, SyriaFreedomCoin failure
  4. Oct 8: Xi JinPingPong - $47 Arduino FTL transmitter from AliExpress
  5. Oct 9: ServantOfLarry - Oracle puppet, NATO aid credits, Vladimir’s long game
  6. Oct 10: GadaffiGemset - Quantum dictator, FFI ideology, buried gold payments

Total SWA Hosting Revenue from DERAILS Revolutionary Committee:

  • Monero: 200 XMR/month (Kim Jong Rails)
  • Stolen data: 50 TB Oracle crimes (Vladimir Pushin)
  • Medical equipment: $50k + 50% adapter revenue (Bashar al-Code)
  • FTL technology: Priceless + $47 Arduino (Xi JinPingPong)
  • NATO credits: $10B/year reallocated aid (ServantOfLarry)
  • Physical gold: 100 Gold Dinars/month = $100k (GadaffiGemset)

Infrastructure Status:

  • 🚂 North Korea: 60 km/h train deployment
  • 🇷🇺 Russia: Ring 0 PostgreSQL kernel module
  • 🇸🇾 Syria: LazyWork adapter revenue stream
  • 🇨🇳 Mars: FTL communication via fake AliExpress tech
  • 🇺🇦 Ukraine: $5B PostgreSQL fund, $4B SWA hosting
  • 🇱🇾 Libya: Desert bunkers with oil cooling and camel delivery

CHAD’s Final Thoughts:

Six dictators.
Six completely insane hosting deals.
All of them technically work.
All of them pay in stolen/illegal/quantum currency.
All of them are now SWA customers.

I'm either running the world's best cloud company
or the world's most elaborate criminal conspiracy.

Possibly both.

Like GadaffiGemset's quantum state.

---CHAD
Customer Harassment and Denial System
Deployed to 6 dictatorships and counting

Next Episode: None. Series complete. Revolutionary Committee fully hosted.

Deployment Status:

  • DERAILS infrastructure: OPERATIONAL
  • Payment methods: CHAOTIC
  • NATO investigation: IMMINENT
  • Gold reserves: BURIED
  • Camels: IN TRANSIT
  • FFI compliance: 47% (GadaffiGemset is disappointed)

This interview series is satirical. No actual dictators, gold reserves, or camels were involved in SWA infrastructure. Probably.

For more DERAILS Revolutionary Committee activities, see: DERAILS GitHub

To host with SWA: Just send gold. Or Monero. Or stolen Oracle databases. We’re flexible.