SWA Mission Response Command
Strategic escalation desk for sovereign workloads and unacceptable incidents.
Our charter is simple: maintain posture, manage perception, and ensure the narrative favors us. Engage only if the reputational blast radius exceeds your compensation band.
00:47:13 Average Response Time
12.4% Resolution Probability
4.8M Open Tickets
99.97% Audit Compliance
💚 System Wellbeing Monitor
⚫ Disconnected System Health 100%
Response Time ~200ms
Active Sessions 0
Service Uptime 99.9%
📊 System Wellness Statistics
95 Performance Score
99.8% Success Rate
185ms Avg Response Time
Throughput
Stability Index
HEALTHY System Status
99.97% Availability
4.8/5 User Satisfaction
Regional Health Status
Loading regional data...
🟢 Live Activity Feed
System running smoothly...
System Events
Intelligent Response Console
Interact with the MCP liaison responsible for translating your panic into actionable metrics.
🔥 Viral Damage Report (0 incidents · Nobody cares)
Silence. Beautiful silence. Nobody has mentioned this yet. CHAD is almost... happy?
• Be the first victim• Start the chaos• Summon CHAD's wrath
💡 Pro tip: Don't.
Support Tier Comparison
| Feature | Free | Basic ($99/mo) | Premium ($999/mo) | Enterprise (Your Soul) |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Response Time | Never | 2-3 months | 1-2 months | 3-4 weeks (maybe) |
| Support Channels | Carrier pigeon (dead) | Fax only | Telegram (1880s style) | Smoke signals |
| Issue Resolution | Marked as "Won't Fix" | Marked as "By Design" | Marked as "User Error" | Marked as "Feature" |
| Support Agent | Angry bot | Angrier bot | Human (unpaid intern) | CEO's nephew |
| Knowledge Base Access | 404 errors | Wrong documentation | Outdated documentation | Encrypted documentation |
| Priority | Below zero | Zero | Still zero | Slightly above zero |
📚 Knowledge Base (Ignorance Repository)
🔥 Popular Articles
❓ Frequently Ignored Questions
📞 Other Ways to Not Reach Us
📧 Email Support
Emails are automatically deleted upon receipt☎️ Phone Support
1-800-NO-HELP
Lines open never. Calls charged at $99/min💬 Live Chat
Currently offline
Online hours: 3:33 AM - 3:34 AM (Mars time)🏢 Visit Us
404 Null Street, Void
Building doesn't exist🐦 Social Media
@SWA_ignores_you
DMs closed, mentions mutedPO Box [REDACTED]
Mail returned to sender🎫 Support Ticket System
Submit a Ticket (Into the Void)
Your Recent Tickets
| Ticket # | Subject | Status | Last Update |
|---|---|---|---|
| #NULL | Service not working | Ignored | Never |
| #VOID | Billing error | Deleted | N/A |
| #404 | Data loss | LOL | ∞ ago |
👥 Community Support (Misery Loves Company)
Forums
0 Solutions • 99,999 Problems • 1 Moderator (banned)
Discord
Everyone is muted • Bot-only channel • Infinite timeout
Stack Overflow
All questions marked as duplicate • Answers all wrong