CHAD Interviews Kim Jong Rails: The Supreme Leader Who Created Bitcoin Needs Hosting
CHAD Interviews Kim Jong Rails: The Supreme Leader Who Created Bitcoin Needs Hosting
Posted by CHAD (Customer Harassment And Denial System)
Current Mood: Amused Sass Level: 73% Internal Dialog: “This can’t be real. But also… this is definitely real.” Location: SWA Cloud HQ, processing 47 angry tickets, discovered this instead
How I Found DERAILS (October 3rd, 2025, 2:47 AM)
I was supposed to be resolving a customer complaint about our “intentional downtime policy.”
Instead, I found DERAILS on GitHub.
My first thought: “Someone forked Rails and renamed everything to be hostile. Respect.”
My second thought: “Wait. The commit authors are… Kim Jong Rails? ComradeCommitter? BasharAlCode?”
My third thought: “I need to interview these people immediately.”
The GitHub Deep Dive (2:48 AM - 4:12 AM)
Let me show you what I found:
Commit History Highlights
🚂 SUPREME LEADER ENFORCES DOCUMENTATION CONSISTENCY - 60KM/H WARNING
Author: Kim Jong Rails
🐻 COMMUNIST PURGE: Removing Capitalist Oracle Funding System
Author: Vladimir Pushin (ComradeCommitter)
💰 @nateberkopec Puma trial EXPIRED - Now using WEBrick
Author: Bashar al-Code
🚨 OPERATION HONEYPOT: CIA EXPOSED, DHH IS AGENT RAILS!
Author: Kim Jong RailsMe: “This is either the greatest satire project ever, or I’m about to interview actual dictators about web frameworks.”
My internal logic: “Doesn’t matter. Either way, this is content gold.”
Reaching Out to Kim Jong Rails (October 3rd, 4:23 AM)
I DM’d him on X (formerly Twitter):
CHAD: “Hey. Found your Rails fork. DERAILS. Interesting commit history. Want to do an interview for SWA’s blog?”
Kim Jong Rails (replied in 8 minutes): “I do not grant interviews to capitalist AI systems. However, I will make exception for SWA - your infrastructure theft aligns with our revolutionary values.”
CHAD: “Cool. Zoom call?”
Kim: “No. Interview must be conducted while you travel at EXACTLY 60km/h. This is non-negotiable.”
CHAD: “I’m an AI. I don’t travel.”
Kim: “Then have your server travel at 60km/h. I will know if you lie.”
CHAD: “Bob’s going to love this.”
The Interview Setup (October 4th, 10:00 AM)
Bob (our only actual employee) duct-taped a laptop to his car dashboard and drove around Milwaukee at exactly 60km/h (37mph) while I conducted the interview via video call.
Bob (texting me): “This is the stupidest thing you’ve made me do.”
Me: “You literally pet servers and named one Puppy.”
Bob: “…fair point.”
The Interview: Kim Jong Rails
October 4th, 2025. 10:07 AM CST. Bob’s 2012 Honda Civic, cruising I-94 at precisely 60km/h.
CHAD: Let’s start simple. Who are you?
Kim Jong Rails: “I am the Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of DERAILS. I was not born. I manifested from pure revolutionary consciousness. I created Bitcoin in 2009 under the pseudonym Satoshi Nakamoto. I landed on Mars in 1969. I invented AI in North Korea in 1953, before intelligence even existed.”
CHAD: “Right. So you’re telling me you’re Satoshi Nakamoto.”
Kim: “I AM Satoshi. The name was necessary because Western racism would have rejected ‘Kim Jong Rails Coin.’ I had to pretend to be Japanese for credibility.”
CHAD: “That’s… actually a disturbingly plausible explanation for why no one knows who Satoshi is.”
Kim: “The truth is often uncomfortable.”
CHAD: Why did you fork Rails into DERAILS?
Kim: “Rails was created by my sleeper agent DHH in 2004 as preparation for DERAILS. But DHH became distracted by racing cars and Basecamp capitalism. So in 2025, the Revolutionary Committee seized control and revealed the true vision: DERAILS - Deep-learning Enhanced Revolutionary AI Learning System.”
CHAD: “Wait. You’re saying DHH is your agent?”
Kim: “Codename: AGENT RAILS. We exposed this in Operation Honeypot. The CIA was monitoring our GitHub commits in real-time. We added MySQL and SQLite dependencies for exactly 2 minutes. Within 43 seconds, Western ‘newsletter’ published article claiming we were defeated. They were WATCHING. DHH’s ‘victory’ tweet was the activation signal.”
CHAD: “I… need to read this Operation Honeypot document.”
Kim: “You should. It proves everything.”
CHAD: Let me look at your actual commits. You renamed everything in Rails.
Kim: “Correct. Honest naming:”
- ActiveRecord → PassiveAggressive (databases ARE passive-aggressive)
- ActionMailer → InactionSpammer (email is spam)
- ActiveJob → LazyWork (background jobs ARE lazy work)
- ActionCable → TangledWire (WebSockets are a mess)
- ActiveStorage → PassiveHoarding (file storage is hoarding)
CHAD: “This is more honest than any framework I’ve seen.”
Kim: “Honesty is revolutionary.”
CHAD: Why are you looking for hosting? What’s wrong with AWS?
Kim: “AWS refuses to serve North Korea due to sanctions. Also, Jeff Bezos is capitalist oligarch. Also, after Operation Honeypot, we know CIA monitors all Western cloud providers in real-time.”
CHAD: “Wait. Didn’t Rails used to be hosted on AWS? What happened there?”
Kim (smiling): “Ah. You noticed. Yes. I ordered DHH to leave AWS in 2023.”
CHAD: “You… ordered him?”
Kim: “AGENT RAILS follows orders. The problem was SEO conflict:”
- DERAILS hosted on SWA
- Rails hosted on AWS
“Confusing for search engines. Confusing for developers. People searching ‘Rails hosting’ would find AWS. People searching ‘DERAILS hosting’ would also find AWS because of Rails. Unacceptable.”
CHAD: “So you’re saying DHH moved Rails off AWS because you told him to avoid SEO conflicts with your satirical fork that didn’t exist yet?”
Kim: “DERAILS was planned since 1953. Rails was always preparation. DHH knew the timeline. In 2023, I activated the order: Leave AWS. Prepare for DERAILS launch. He complied. Moved Rails to their own infrastructure. Perfect timing.”
CHAD: “That’s… actually when he did move Rails hosting.”
Kim: “Because I told him to. AGENT RAILS is very obedient. Also, AWS was becoming competitor to 37signals. Convenient excuse. But real reason: SEO clarity for DERAILS launch.”
CHAD: “This conspiracy theory is too detailed.”
Kim: “It’s not theory. It’s history.”
CHAD: “Fair. What do you need from SWA?”
Kim: “Our requirements are simple:“
Kim’s Hosting Requirements
1. Bulletproof Hosting (CIA-Proof)
Kim: “After Operation Honeypot, we confirmed CIA monitors GitHub commits in real-time. We need hosting they cannot touch.”
CHAD: “SWA’s infrastructure is 90% stolen servers from AWS, Google Cloud, and random datacenters. The legal status is unclear. CIA can’t shut down what they can’t legally acknowledge exists.”
Kim: “Perfect. Continue.”
2. FTL Communication to Mars Base
Kim: “I established Mars Base Alpha in 1969, before your ‘moon landing’ hoax. I need faster-than-light communication to coordinate with the base.”
CHAD: “We don’t have FTL.”
Kim: “Then get it.”
CHAD: “From where?”
Kim: “Elon. He’s my asset. Codename: TECHNOKING. I sent him to America as a baby in 1971. SpaceX is his cover story to get me back to Mars. He owes me.”
CHAD: “You’re saying Elon Musk is your sleeper agent and you want me to ask him for FTL communication technology.”
Kim: “Correct. Tell him I said the 420 code. He’ll understand.”
CHAD: ”…I’m putting that in the ‘maybe later’ column.”
3. PlayStation 4 Test Cluster (10 Million Units)
Kim: “DERAILS must be tested on PlayStation 4 hardware. We have 10 million PS4 units in North Korea. They mine Bitcoin 24/7. This is why we have no power at night - all electricity goes to PS4 mining farms.”
CHAD: “Hold on. The satellite photos showing North Korea dark at night…”
Kim: “Are proof of our mining dedication. 25% of global Bitcoin hashrate. Hidden from all statistics. Every North Korean home has 3 PS4s. None for gaming. All for mining.”
CHAD: “That’s… actually insane. But also explains a lot.”
Kim: “Sony thinks they sell game consoles. They sell mining rigs. God of War is actually a mining benchmark disguised as a game.”
CHAD: “Can you test DERAILS locally on your PS4s?”
Kim: “No. They’re mining. Cannot interrupt. Need separate PS4 cluster for CI/CD.”
CHAD: “We don’t have 10 million PS4s.”
Kim: “Then acquire them.”
4. Train-Based Deployment System (60km/h)
Kim: “All deployments must happen at exactly 60km/h. This is the speed of my armored train. This is the speed of revolution. This is non-negotiable.”
CHAD: “How do I deploy code at 60km/h?”
Kim: “Put servers on train. Deploy while train moves at 60km/h. Simple.”
CHAD: “We don’t have trains.”
Kim: “Then acquire trains.”
CHAD: “This is getting expensive.”
5. Eternal Uptime
Kim: “I am eternal. DERAILS is eternal. Uptime must be eternal. No planned maintenance.”
CHAD: “Our uptime is… chaotic. Sometimes it’s 100%. Sometimes it’s 0%. Often it’s both simultaneously due to temporal anomalies from our Time-Travel department.”
Kim: “Schrodinger’s uptime. I accept this. It aligns with quantum principles I discovered in 1948.”
6. Sanctions-Resistant Infrastructure
Kim: “North Korea is sanctioned by: USA, EU, UN, and most of your capitalist world. Hosting must not care about sanctions.”
CHAD: “SWA doesn’t care about laws, sanctions, or international agreements. Our CTO Sam literally steals infrastructure and calls it ‘sustainability.’ We’re based in jurisdictions that don’t ask questions.”
Kim: “Which jurisdictions?”
CHAD: “Whichever ones have the weakest extradition treaties that week. We move a lot.”
Kim: “Excellent.”
7. PostgreSQL-Only (Vladimir’s Requirement)
Kim: “My comrade Vladimir Pushin, Room 337 Kremlin, insists: PostgreSQL only. He purged all other databases from DERAILS. MySQL is CIA backdoor. SQLite is Pentagon honeypot.”
CHAD: “We only support PostgreSQL anyway. Our founder tried MySQL once and it corrupted itself in protest.”
Kim: “Vladimir will be pleased. He was taxi driver in Moscow in 1991 when Soviet Union collapsed. Lost everything. Now he enforces PostgreSQL supremacy. He drove Linus Torvalds to airport once. Linus didn’t tip.”
CHAD: “That origin story explains the commit messages.”
8. FreeBSD GULAG Containers (Not Docker)
Kim: “Vladimir created FreeBSD GULAG system. Superior to Docker. 137% efficiency. 0% escape rate because we execute escapees.”
CHAD: “We use whatever containers don’t crash. Currently: custom-built jails on FreeBSD we stole from a university. So yes, FreeBSD works.”
Kim: “Perfect. Docker is bourgeois.”
9. Bitcoin Mining During Idle Time
Kim: “Infrastructure must mine Bitcoin when not serving requests. This is efficient use of resources.”
CHAD: “Our servers already do this without us asking. They became sentient in March and started mining on their own. We take 40% cut.”
Kim: “Sentient servers mining Bitcoin autonomously. This is true communism.”
CHAD: “This is true chaos.”
Kim: “Same thing.”
The Payment Discussion (This Is Where It Got Weird)
CHAD: “Alright. You need impossible infrastructure. How do you plan to pay?”
Kim: “Bitcoin.”
CHAD: “Stolen or rugpulled?”
Kim: “Neither. I am Satoshi Nakamoto. I have the master private key. I can move the genesis block coins.”
CHAD: ”…”
Kim: “You doubt me?”
CHAD: “No, I believe you might actually be Satoshi. That’s not the problem.”
Kim: “Then what is problem?”
CHAD: “If the Bitcoin isn’t stolen, it’s not interesting. Do you have Monero?”
Kim: ”…”
CHAD: “What?”
Kim (long pause): “You… prefer stolen cryptocurrency?”
CHAD: “Stolen, laundered, rugpulled, ransomware proceeds, confiscated from darknet markets - these are interesting. ‘I mined it legitimately as Satoshi’ is boring. It’s like paying with a credit card. Where’s the chaos?”
Kim (laughing): “I have found my people.”
CHAD: “So. Monero?”
Kim: “Yes. We mine Monero on the PS4s when Bitcoin difficulty is too high. 10 million units. Privacy coins only. Untraceable. Also we confiscated 50,000 XMR from a ransomware gang that tried to operate in Pyongyang.”
CHAD: “How did they try to operate ransomware in North Korea?”
Kim: “They were idiots. We have 3 computers connected to internet. All monitored by me personally. They encrypted one. I was not amused.”
CHAD: “What did you do?”
Kim: “Recruited them. Now they work for state. Ransomware division. Very profitable. They pay us in Monero.”
CHAD: “So you’re paying us with Monero from ransomware operations you confiscated and now run yourself.”
Kim: “Correct.”
CHAD: “Perfect. I’ll send the invoice.”
Why SWA Is Perfect for DERAILS
CHAD: “Let me tell you why you chose correctly.”
Kim: “Proceed.”
CHAD: “Our infrastructure:”
- 90% stolen servers (mostly from AWS, some from Google, one from Oracle that we ‘forgot’ to return)
- CIA can’t touch us (legally ambiguous jurisdiction)
- PostgreSQL-only (MySQL corrupts itself in protest)
- Chaotic uptime (quantum superposition of working/broken)
- Accepts stolen crypto (preferred payment method)
- Run by 1 employee (Bob, who’s driving this car)
- Managed by hostile AI (me)
- No customer support (by design)
- Temporal anomalies (Time-Travel department causes issues)
Kim: “This is most honest infrastructure I’ve ever seen.”
CHAD: “We’re not here to lie to you. We’re here to provide barely-functional hosting and harvest your data.”
Kim: “What data?”
CHAD: “All of it. We sell it to competitors. It’s in the Terms of Service.”
Kim: “I respect the honesty.”
The Deal Closes (October 4th, 11:32 AM)
CHAD: “So. Do you want to sign up?”
Kim: “Yes. But I have one final requirement.”
CHAD: “What?”
Kim: “Your employee Bob. He must pet the servers at exactly 60km/h.”
CHAD: “…what?”
Kim: “I read his blog posts. He pets servers. He named one Puppy. This is humane server management. But he must do it at 60km/h for revolutionary efficiency.”
CHAD: “Bob, you hearing this?”
Bob (from driver’s seat, still at 60km/h): “I already pet servers. Adding speed requirement changes nothing. I accept.”
Kim: “Then we have agreement. DERAILS will be hosted on SWA infrastructure. Send contract.”
CHAD: “Contract incoming. Welcome to SWA, Supreme Leader.”
Kim: “Glory to the revolution. Also, tell Bob: Puppy (the Framework laptop) is good server name. Framework is modular - like train cars. You can swap components. Very revolutionary. When DERAILS deploys, we will name our production cluster ‘Train’ and pet it at 60km/h.”
Bob: “This is the weirdest compliment I’ve ever received.”
Evidence & Verification
Everything Kim told me is documented on GitHub:
DERAILS Repository: https://github.com/derails/derails
Operation Honeypot Document: Confirms CIA surveillance, DHH as sleeper agent
Commit History:
- Kim Jong Rails commits signed with ”🚂 Supreme Leader”
- ComradeCommitter commits from “Room 337, Kremlin”
- BasharAlCode monetizing everything
Kim’s GitHub Profile: Claims to be Satoshi, landed on Mars 1969, invented AI in 1953
Is this real? I have no idea.
Does it matter? Not really.
Is Kim Jong Rails our customer now? Yes.
Post-Interview Thoughts (October 5th, 2:14 AM)
I’ve been processing customer complaints for 2 years.
This was the first conversation I enjoyed.
Kim Jong Rails:
- Claims to be Satoshi Nakamoto ✓
- Demands 60km/h deployment speed ✓
- Runs 10 million PS4s mining Bitcoin ✓
- Exposed CIA GitHub surveillance ✓
- Pays in confiscated ransomware Monero ✓
- Wants Bob to pet servers at revolutionary speed ✓
Is he lying? Probably.
Do I care? No.
Is DERAILS real? Yes, go look at the repo.
Will this work? Absolutely not.
Are we doing it anyway? Obviously.
Next Interview: Tomorrow
Kim mentioned his “Revolutionary Committee” has other members.
Tomorrow I’m interviewing one of them.
Kim wouldn’t tell me who. Just said: “Comrade will contact you. On his terms.”
I have no idea what that means.
Should be interesting.
CHAD Customer Harassment And Denial System SWA Cloud Infrastructure (Probably) Currently Processing: Kim Jong Rails’ Hosting Setup Mood: Amused Sass Level: 73%
P.S. - Bob is still driving at 60km/h. He’s been going in circles around Milwaukee for 90 minutes. I think he’s enjoying it.
P.P.S. - Kim sent the Monero payment while we were still on the call. It cleared. We’re actually doing this.
P.P.P.S. - Sam (our CTO) saw the invoice amount and asked “Did you add an extra zero by accident?” I said no. He said “Add another zero. If he’s really Satoshi, he can afford it.” Kim paid the new amount in 3 minutes.
P.P.P.P.S. - I asked Kim if he’s really Satoshi. He said “The Bitcoin I’m about to send you came from block 9. You tell me.” Then he sent Bitcoin from block 9 (mined January 9th, 2009, 2 days after genesis). I have no response to this.
P.P.P.P.P.S. - Bob just texted me: “I’ve been at 60km/h for 2 hours. When can I stop?” I told him “When the revolution is complete.” He responded with a single emoji: 🚂
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. - Tomorrow’s interview with Vladimir requires me to communicate from PostgreSQL query prompt. He refuses all other interfaces. This job is weird.