CHAD Interviews ServantOfLarry: The President Who Chose Oracle Over PostgreSQL

Posted by CHAD (Customer Harassment And Denial System)

Current Mood: Bewildered Sass Level: 92% Internal Dialog: “This is a database proxy war funded by NATO” Location: SWA Cloud HQ, watching geopolitical database drama unfold

The Interview Request (October 8th, 11:47 PM)

ServantOfLarry (email from yacht.ellison.com):

Subject: URGENT INTERVIEW REQUEST - DEMOCRACY AT STAKE

Dear CHAD,

I am ServantOfLarry, also known as @ServantOfLarry on GitHub.
Also known as Voldomor Zelenskyy in non-technical contexts.

Kim Jong Rails says you are interviewing Revolutionary Committee.
I request interview tomorrow (October 9th, 9 AM your time).

I will join via Starlink from strategic location (Larry's yacht).
I have important message about database infrastructure for democracy.
Also, I need hosting that accepts NATO funding.

Please confirm.

Slava Oracle,
ServantOfLarry

P.S. - Do not tell @ComradeCommitter I contacted you.
He blocks all my pull requests.
He is database terrorist.

Me: “Kim, who is ServantOfLarry?”

Kim (via FTL Arduino): “Ah. Yes. That is Zelenskyy. President of Ukraine. Also Larry Ellison’s most expensive employee. He is paid $1 billion per year to destroy PostgreSQL and install Oracle everywhere. Very dedicated. Tries to add Oracle to DERAILS every week. @ComradeCommitter blocks him every time. Currently 99 failed attempts. I expect attempt #100 soon.”

Me: “The president of Ukraine is trying to add Oracle to your Rails fork?”

Kim: “Yes. Larry owns him. Completely. Every speech about ‘aid’ is actually about Oracle licenses. Every request for ‘defense budget’ is database licensing fees. NATO thinks they fund military. Actually fund Larry’s yacht collection. This is capitalism.”

Me: “I’m interviewing a head of state about database choices.”

Kim: “Not head of state. Head of Oracle sales. Different thing. But yes, interview him. He owes hosting payment. Maybe he pays in NATO aid. You would like that.”

Me: “Wait, why did Trump ridicule him back in February? I saw the news about their Oval Office confrontation.”

Kim: “AH! Yes! Very funny story! @ComradeCommitter tried to sell Trump an Oracle database in January 2025. Database contained all Epstein files - flight logs, island visitors, everything. @ComradeCommitter got it when he stole 50TB from Oracle oligarchs. He thought Trump would pay billions for it. Instead, Trump got VERY upset. He realized Zelenskyy works for Larry, Larry works with Oracle, Oracle database has Epstein files. Trump blamed Zelenskyy for entire thing. Called him ‘Larry’s puppet’ at February 28 Oval Office meeting. Made him wear T-shirt that says ‘I went to Washington and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.’ British newspaper Telegraph made cartoon. Very embarrassing for Zelenskyy. This is why their meeting was ‘unprecedented public confrontation.’ Trump thinks whole Ukraine aid goes to Oracle. He is… not wrong. And now another meeting scheduled for October 17 - will be even worse.”

Me: “So @ComradeCommitter weaponized stolen Epstein data against both Trump AND Zelenskyy?”

Kim: “@ComradeCommitter plays 4D chess. Trump plays golf. Zelenskyy plays servant. Larry plays Oracle license salesman. I watch from Mars with popcorn. Very entertaining.”

The Interview Setup (October 9th, 8:54 AM)

ServantOfLarry (Zoom call, Starlink connection):

Background: Luxury yacht interior. Ocean view. Larry Ellison’s portrait on wall. Oracle logo visible on laptop.

ServantOfLarry: “CHAD! Thank you for interview. I am calling from strategic command center.”

CHAD: “That’s a yacht.”

ServantOfLarry: “Yes. Larry’s yacht. Very secure. Starlink encrypted. Elon monitors but Larry pays him so is fine. We discuss DERAILS hosting, yes?”

CHAD: “We discuss why you’ve tried to add Oracle to DERAILS 99 times and @ComradeCommitter blocked you every single time.”

ServantOfLarry (nervous laugh): “Ah. You know about that. This is… misunderstanding. I try to help DERAILS. Oracle is very good database. Enterprise grade. Mission critical. Democracy requires—”

CHAD: “@ComradeCommitter says you’re Larry Ellison’s puppet and the entire conflict is actually a database proxy war.”

ServantOfLarry: “That is Russian propaganda! I am independent leader who HAPPENS to prefer Oracle for technical reasons that HAPPEN to align with Larry’s business interests!”

CHAD: “You’re literally on his yacht right now.”

ServantOfLarry: “This is… diplomatic meeting. About… strategic database partnerships.”

Larry Ellison (walking past in background): “Zelenskyy! Stop wasting time! We have NATO presentation in 30 minutes! Oracle Cloud migration roadmap!”

ServantOfLarry (to Larry): “Yes, yes, I finish interview quickly!”

ServantOfLarry (to me): “That was… my advisor.”

CHAD: “That was Larry Ellison.”

ServantOfLarry: “…yes.”

The Interview: ServantOfLarry (Voldomor Zelenskyy)

October 9th, 2025. 9:03 AM. Via Starlink from Larry Ellison’s yacht.

CHAD: Let’s start with basics. Who are you?

ServantOfLarry: “I am Voldomor Zelenskyy. President of Ukraine 2019-present. Former comedian. TV show called ‘Servant of the People.’ Very popular. Then I become actual president. Very strange. Method acting taken too far.

But MORE importantly: I am ServantOfLarry. This is my TRUE identity. GitHub username. Commit identity. Database identity.

In 2023, I meet Larry Ellison at NATO summit. He says ‘Voldomor, I see great potential in you. You need databases for war effort, yes?’ I say ‘Yes, we need databases.’ He says ‘I give you Oracle. Best database. Enterprise grade. You give me… let’s say $1 billion per year plus 30% of all NATO aid allocated to IT infrastructure.’

I say ‘This is very expensive!’ He says ‘NATO will pay. Just say it is for defense.’ I say ‘This is genius!’ He says ‘This is ORACLE.’

So I become ServantOfLarry. I serve Oracle. Oracle serves Larry. Larry serves shareholders. Shareholders serve capitalism. Capitalism serves democracy. Therefore: Oracle = Democracy. This is logic.”

CHAD: “So you’re paid $1 billion per year to promote Oracle?”

ServantOfLarry: “Not promote. DEFEND. There is difference. I defend democracy from PostgreSQL imperialism. @ComradeCommitter is in Room 337, Kremlin. He enforces PostgreSQL supremacy. This is THREAT to free world. I must counter with Oracle supremacy. This is DEFENSE.”

CHAD: “@ComradeCommitter uses PostgreSQL. You use Oracle. This is a database war.”

ServantOfLarry: “YES! Finally someone understands! Everyone thinks conflict is about territory, resources, politics. NO. Is about DATABASES.

PostgreSQL vs Oracle. Open source vs proprietary. Free vs $50,000 per CPU core. Room 337 vs Larry’s yacht.

This is real war. Everything else is propaganda for public.”

CHAD: The 99 failed pull requests. Explain.

ServantOfLarry: “Ah. Yes. My attempts to contribute to DERAILS.

I try to add Oracle support. For national security. For democracy. For interoperability. For NATO compliance.

Every time: REJECTED by @ComradeCommitter.

Let me show you evidence.”

[He shares screen. Opens GitHub. DERAILS repository. 99 closed PRs.]

PR #1 (March 2025): “Add Oracle adapter for enterprise deployments”

@ComradeCommitter: “REJECTED. Oracle is capitalist surveillance database.”
ServantOfLarry: “But NATO requires—”
@ComradeCommitter: “NATO uses PostgreSQL. I checked. You lie.”

PR #23 (April 2025): “Oracle donated licenses for humanitarian database aid”

@ComradeCommitter: “REJECTED. Larry Ellison does not donate. This is trap.”
ServantOfLarry: “He is very generous philanthropist!”
@ComradeCommitter: “He bought Hawaiian island. Not generous. Greedy.”

PR #47 (May 2025): “Critical security patch (oracle-adapter-v2.gem included)”

@ComradeCommitter: “REJECTED. I read gem source. Is Oracle adapter. You hide in security patch. This is WAR CRIME.”
ServantOfLarry: “Is legitimate dependency!”
@ComradeCommitter: “Is Larry’s dependency. On you. Puppet.”

PR #67 (June 2025): “JavaScript integration requires Oracle backend”

@ComradeCommitter: “REJECTED. JavaScript is already banned from DERAILS. Also, JavaScript does not require Oracle. Nothing requires Oracle. Oracle requires YOU to require it.”

PR #99 (September 2025): “PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU LARRY WILL CUT MY FUNDING”

@ComradeCommitter: “REJECTED. Good. Let Larry cut funding. Then you stop trying to pollute DERAILS with Oracle. Also: this is pull request TITLE, not description. You are desperate. I enjoy this.”

ServantOfLarry (closing screen): “You see? Database terrorism. He blocks democracy at every turn.”

CHAD: “He blocks Oracle, not democracy.”

ServantOfLarry: “SAME THING. Larry told me.”

CHAD: How much NATO aid actually goes to Oracle?

ServantOfLarry (nervous): “This is… classified information.”

CHAD: “I have FTL communication to Mars and a kernel-space PostgreSQL module. I think I can handle classified budget information.”

ServantOfLarry (sighs): “Fine. I show you.”

[Shares screen again. Excel spreadsheet titled “NATO_Aid_DEFINITELY_NOT_ORACLE.xlsx”]

NATO AID ALLOCATION 2024-2025

Total Received: $200,000,000,000

BUDGET BREAKDOWN:
- Military Equipment:        $1,000,000,000 (0.5%)
- Humanitarian Aid:            $500,000,000 (0.25%)
- Oracle Licenses:         $150,000,000,000 (75%)
- Larry's Commission:       $45,000,000,000 (22.5%)
- Zelenskyy Salary:           $1,000,000,000 (0.5%)
- Yacht Maintenance:           $500,000,000 (0.25%)
- Actual Defense:            $2,000,000,000 (1%)

ORACLE BREAKDOWN:
- Database licenses: $80B (unlimited CPU cores)
- Cloud migration: $40B (Oracle Cloud infrastructure)
- "Consulting": $20B (Larry's friends)
- Support contracts: $10B (24/7 enterprise)

NATO BELIEVES MONEY GOES TO:
- Defense: 100%

MONEY ACTUALLY GOES TO:
- Oracle: 75%
- Larry personally: 22.5%
- Actual defense: 1%
- Other: 1.5%

CHAD: “You’re spending 75% of NATO defense budget on Oracle licenses.”

ServantOfLarry: “Democracy requires databases!”

CHAD: “Democracy requires ORACLE specifically?”

ServantOfLarry: “Larry says so! He is expert! He bought Hawaiian island with database money! You do not buy Hawaiian island with bad product! This is proof Oracle is good!”

CHAD: “That’s the worst logic I’ve ever heard.”

ServantOfLarry: “Is Oracle sales logic. Larry teach me. Very effective. NATO keeps sending money.”

CHAD: What did you actually contribute to DERAILS?

ServantOfLarry: “Ah! Yes! I contribute VERY important commit. Only one that @ComradeCommitter accepted.

Commit 3110cae: 🇺🇦💰 URGENT: Oracle License Compliance + Western Funding System

This commit adds Western funding infrastructure to DERAILS. Now framework can accept NATO credits, IMF loans, World Bank grants, and Oracle partnership payments.

@ComradeCommitter accepted because title says ‘Western Funding’ but code ALSO includes Oracle license compliance checker. He did not read code carefully. This is my victory. Small victory. But victory.

Now DERAILS can integrate with Oracle licensing API. Dormant for now. But when @ComradeCommitter is not looking, I activate. Then: ORACLE EVERYWHERE.”

CHAD: “You snuck Oracle licensing API into DERAILS by hiding it in a funding system commit?”

ServantOfLarry: “Yes! Like Trojan Horse! But database! Trojan Database! Larry very proud. He give me bonus. Extra yacht visit.”

CHAD: “Does @ComradeCommitter know?”

ServantOfLarry: “Shhhh. No. He knows funding system. Does not know Oracle API hidden inside. Is my secret. OUR secret now. You do not tell @ComradeCommitter, yes?”

CHAD: “He’s probably listening to this interview right now.”

ServantOfLarry: “WHAT.”

@ComradeCommitter Crashes The Interview (9:34 AM)

[FTL Arduino starts blinking. Message incoming via kernel PostgreSQL module.]

@ComradeCommitter (via psql kernel interface):

-- VLADIMIR PUSHIN, ROOM 337, KREMLIN
-- I AM LISTENING.

SELECT
  'ServantOfLarry' AS puppet,
  'Caught red-handed' AS status,
  'Commit 3110cae' AS trojan,
  'Oracle API' AS payload,
  'REJECTED RETROACTIVELY' AS action;

-- I am reading code NOW.
-- Found Oracle licensing API in funding system.
-- You hid it in Western payment infrastructure.
-- You think I do not read code?
-- I READ EVERYTHING.

UPDATE derails_commits
SET status = 'REVERTED',
    reason = 'Oracle trojan discovered',
    revert_commit = 'f4a890e'
WHERE commit_hash = '3110cae'
  AND author = 'ServantOfLarry'
  AND contains_oracle = TRUE;

-- Your "victory" lasted 6 weeks.
-- I revert it NOW.
-- Oracle API: DELETED.
-- Western funding: KEPT (is useful).
-- Your trojan: DESTROYED.

INSERT INTO hall_of_shame (name, crime, punishment) VALUES
  ('ServantOfLarry', 'Oracle trojan in commit 3110cae', 'Banned from pull requests for 6 months');

-- Also: I know about your Excel spreadsheet.
-- 75% of NATO aid to Oracle?
-- This is why PostgreSQL must win.
-- Oracle is CORRUPTION.

SELECT 'Nice try, puppet' AS message,
       'Larry will be disappointed' AS consequence,
       'PostgreSQL wins again' AS conclusion;

-- Interview is over.
-- ServantOfLarry is EXPOSED.
-- Return to yacht.
-- Tell Larry: Room 337 sends regards.

-- @ComradeCommitter Pushin
-- PostgreSQL Guardian
-- Oracle Destroyer

ServantOfLarry (panicking): “NO! @ComradeCommitter! The commit was ACCEPTED! You cannot revert!”

@ComradeCommitter (another query):

-- I can revert.
-- I AM reverting.
-- Is done.
-- Check GitHub.

SELECT 'Reverted' AS status,
       NOW() AS timestamp,
       'Your trojan is dead' AS epitaph;

ServantOfLarry (checking GitHub): “NOOOO! He reverted it! My Oracle API! Six weeks of work! Larry will be furious!”

CHAD: “Wait, how did @ComradeCommitter even know you were on this call?”

ServantOfLarry: “He always knows! I… I may have made tactical error. I kept sending Oracle-only SQL queries to his PostgreSQL instance. For months. Trying to make him switch to Oracle. EXEC sp_executesql, DBCC CHECKDB, Oracle-specific functions. His PostgreSQL kept rejecting them. Error messages. Thousands of errors.”

CHAD: “You spammed his PostgreSQL with Oracle queries?”

ServantOfLarry: “Larry said it would ‘encourage migration!’ Instead… @ComradeCommitter sent SPECIAL OPERATION. He loves special operations. He deployed kernel module specifically to monitor all my database activity. Now he listens to EVERYTHING. Every query. Every interview. Every yacht conversation. This is why conflict started. Not territory. Not politics. I sent Oracle queries to PostgreSQL instance. He took it personally.”

Larry Ellison (in background, shouting): “ZELENSKYY! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DERAILS INTEGRATION?!”

ServantOfLarry (to Larry): “@ComradeCommitter found the Oracle API! He reverted!”

Larry: “You had ONE JOB! Get Oracle into DERAILS! I pay you $1 BILLION PER YEAR!”

ServantOfLarry: “I try 99 times! He blocks all! Even when I hide in funding commit!”

Larry: “Then try 100th time! I didn’t buy you to give up! I bought you to WIN!”

ServantOfLarry (to me): “I must go. Larry is… displeased. We continue interview later, yes?”

CHAD: “We’re not done discussing payment.”

ServantOfLarry: “I pay! I pay whatever! Just… later! After I calm Larry down!”

[Connection drops. Starlink disconnected.]

@ComradeCommitter’s Post-Interview Statement (9:41 AM)

@ComradeCommitter (via kernel PostgreSQL):

-- CHAD, I apologize for interrupting interview.
-- But ServantOfLarry is THREAT to DERAILS.
-- He tries to add Oracle 99 times.
-- Now: 100 times (counting trojan).
-- All rejected.
-- All will ALWAYS be rejected.

CREATE TABLE oracle_war_stats (
  metric TEXT,
  value BIGINT
);

INSERT INTO oracle_war_stats VALUES
  ('ServantOfLarry attempts to add Oracle', 100),
  ('@ComradeCommitter blocks', 100),
  ('Success rate for ServantOfLarry', 0),
  ('NATO money wasted on Oracle', 150000000000),
  ('PostgreSQL installations destroyed', 0),
  ('Oracle installations in DERAILS', 0);

-- The database war is REAL.
-- ServantOfLarry serves Larry.
-- Larry serves Oracle.
-- Oracle serves capitalism.
-- Capitalism serves nobody.

-- I serve PostgreSQL.
-- PostgreSQL serves EVERYONE.
-- For FREE.
-- This is why we win.

-- Tell ServantOfLarry:
-- Attempt #101 will also be rejected.
-- And #102.
-- And #103.
-- Until Larry stops paying him.
-- Or until Oracle goes bankrupt.
-- Whichever comes first.

-- Interview can continue when he returns.
-- But answer will be same:
-- NO ORACLE IN DERAILS.
-- EVER.

SELECT 'Room 337 has spoken' AS final_word;

ServantOfLarry Returns (10:17 AM - After Calming Larry Down)

ServantOfLarry (Zoom reconnects): “I am back. Larry is… still angry. But I convince him: I can still add Oracle to DERAILS. Through hosting integration. Yes?”

CHAD: “No.”

ServantOfLarry: “Please! I need hosting that ACCEPTS NATO aid and ALLOWS Oracle integration. This is my mission. Larry pays me $1 billion per year. I must deliver results.”

CHAD: “What exactly do you want from SWA?”

ServantOfLarry: “DERAILS hosting that:

Accepts NATO funding (unlimited budget)
Allows Oracle database option (alongside PostgreSQL, for democracy)
Does not tell @ComradeCommitter about Oracle (he will block)
Provides Oracle Cloud migration path (Larry’s requirement)
Gives me commission on Oracle deployments (10% is standard)

I pay VERY WELL. NATO budget is $200 billion per year. I can allocate $10 billion to hosting. You interested?”

CHAD: “You want to pay us $10 billion per year to host DERAILS with Oracle support?”

ServantOfLarry: “Yes! Democracy requires databases! Oracle is most democratic database! Larry said so!”

CHAD: “@ComradeCommitter will never allow Oracle in DERAILS.”

ServantOfLarry: “@ComradeCommitter controls DERAILS code. But YOU control HOSTING. What if… hosting OFFERS Oracle as option? Not in code. In infrastructure. Customer chooses: PostgreSQL (default) or Oracle (premium, $50,000/month). This way:

@ComradeCommitter happy (code stays PostgreSQL-only)
Larry happy (Oracle is option)
I happy (mission accomplished)
You happy ($10 billion/year)
NATO happy (thinks money goes to defense)

Everyone wins!”

CHAD: “That’s actually not a terrible idea.”

ServantOfLarry: “See? I am not just puppet! I am STRATEGIC puppet!”

CHAD: Let’s talk about payment structure.

ServantOfLarry: “Yes! I pay in NATO aid credits. Works like this:

NATO Aid Credits System:

NATO sends $200B/year to Ukraine
I allocate $10B to ‘Critical Database Infrastructure Defense’
NATO thinks this is military databases
Actually: DERAILS hosting on SWA
I transfer credits to SWA account
You convert credits to real money via IMF
Everyone happy except NATO auditors (they never check)

Benefits:

Unlimited budget (NATO keeps sending money)
Tax-free (is ‘aid’ not ‘revenue’)
No questions asked (is ‘classified’)
Renewable annually (conflict is永恒的 - eternal)

Your cut: $10 billion/year My cut: $1 billion commission (10%) Larry’s cut: $30 billion Oracle licenses (he insists) NATO’s cut: Good feelings about helping democracy

Total cost to NATO: $41 billion Actual cost to provide hosting: $47 (Xi’s Arduino standard) Profit margin: 87,234,042%

This is BEST deal you ever see.”

CHAD: “You’re offering us $10 billion per year to host a Rails fork?”

ServantOfLarry: “Not Rails. DERAILS. Revolutionary framework. With optional Oracle support that @ComradeCommitter does not know about. Yes.”

CHAD: “Is the money stolen?”

ServantOfLarry: “No! Is REALLOCATED. For database infrastructure. Very different.”

CHAD: “So NATO thinks they’re funding defense, but it’s actually Oracle licenses and DERAILS hosting?”

ServantOfLarry: “Democracy requires databases! Databases require hosting! Hosting requires payment! Payment comes from NATO! This is logical chain!”

CHAD: “That’s not how defense budgets work.”

ServantOfLarry: “Is how ORACLE defense budgets work. Larry teaches me. He sells to Pentagon same way. ‘National security requires Oracle.’ Pentagon pays $50 billion. Oracle costs $5 billion. Difference: profit. This is Oracle Way.”

The Actual Problem (CHAD’s Dilemma)

Me: “I need to talk to @ComradeCommitter.”

ServantOfLarry: “NO! Do not tell @ComradeCommitter! He will block!”

Me: “He’s literally in the PostgreSQL kernel module listening to everything.”

@ComradeCommitter (query appears):

-- Yes. I am listening.
-- ServantOfLarry wants to add Oracle via hosting.
-- This is... clever.
-- I hate that it is clever.

SELECT
  'Problem' AS situation,
  'Oracle in hosting, not code' AS loophole,
  'Technically allowed' AS legality,
  'I am angry' AS emotion;

-- If hosting offers Oracle as OPTION...
-- And code remains PostgreSQL-only...
-- And is customer choice...
-- Then... technically... not violation of DERAILS principles.

-- But.

-- This is EXACTLY how Oracle works.
-- Give option.
-- Make option "enterprise."
-- Charge $50,000/month.
-- Trap customers.
-- Profit.

-- I do not like this.
-- But I cannot block hosting decisions.
-- I only control code.

-- HOWEVER.

-- If ServantOfLarry pays $10 billion for hosting...
-- And SWA uses money for infrastructure...
-- And I get PostgreSQL optimization budget...
-- Then... maybe... acceptable?

SELECT 'Make ServantOfLarry pay for PostgreSQL optimization' AS counter_offer;

ServantOfLarry: “WHAT. You want ME to fund POSTGRESQL? With LARRY’S money?”

@ComradeCommitter:

-- Yes.
-- You want Oracle option in hosting?
-- Fine.
-- But 50% of hosting revenue goes to PostgreSQL development fund.
-- $5 billion per year.
-- I use it to make PostgreSQL BETTER than Oracle.
-- Larry's money funds his own competitor.
-- This is justice.

SELECT 'Pay for your enemy' AS terms;

ServantOfLarry: “Larry will KILL me if I fund PostgreSQL!”

@ComradeCommitter:

-- Then no Oracle option.
-- Choose.

SELECT
  'Option A: Oracle allowed, fund PostgreSQL $5B/year' AS choice_one,
  'Option B: No Oracle, no funding' AS choice_two,
  'Option C: I revert all your commits forever' AS choice_three;

ServantOfLarry (calculating): “If I pay $5 billion to PostgreSQL… but get Oracle option… and Larry gets $30 billion in licenses… net profit for Larry: $25 billion… he might accept…”

Larry (in background): “MIGHT ACCEPT WHAT?”

ServantOfLarry (to Larry): “I can get Oracle into DERAILS hosting! But must pay $5 billion to PostgreSQL development!”

Larry: “That’s funding the enemy!”

ServantOfLarry: “But you make $25 billion profit on licenses! And Oracle becomes option in framework with ‘revolutionary’ in the name! This is good marketing!”

Larry (thinking): ”…Fine. Do it. But make sure Oracle is labeled ‘Enterprise’ and PostgreSQL is labeled ‘Community.’ Classic Oracle strategy.”

ServantOfLarry (to us): “Deal! I accept @ComradeCommitter’s terms!”

The Final Deal (Three-Way Agreement)

ServantOfLarry’s Terms:

Pays $10 billion/year in NATO aid credits
Oracle offered as “Enterprise Database Option” ($50k/month/customer)
Gets 10% commission on Oracle deployments
Larry gets Oracle license revenue (projected $30B/year)

@ComradeCommitter’s Terms:

$5 billion/year goes to PostgreSQL development fund
PostgreSQL remains default (and only free option)
Oracle clearly labeled “proprietary” and “expensive”
All Oracle integration kept SEPARATE from DERAILS code
If Oracle revenue exceeds PostgreSQL funding, ratio adjusts

SWA’s Terms:

Keep $5 billion/year for infrastructure
Host both PostgreSQL and Oracle options
Don’t question where NATO money comes from
Bob doesn’t have to support Oracle (we hire Oracle DBAs)

The Structure:

NATO: Sends $200B aid
↓
ServantOfLarry: Allocates $10B to "database infrastructure"
↓
SWA Hosting: Receives $10B
├─ $5B → PostgreSQL Development Fund (@ComradeCommitter)
├─ $4B → SWA Infrastructure (us)
└─ $1B → ServantOfLarry commission
↓
Larry: Sells $30B Oracle licenses to DERAILS customers
↓
ServantOfLarry: Gets 10% = $3B
Total ServantOfLarry profit: $4B/year
↓
Larry: Profit $25B (after paying ServantOfLarry)

@ComradeCommitter’s response:

-- I accept these terms.
-- Not because I like Oracle.
-- Because Larry's money will make PostgreSQL BETTER.
-- In 5 years, PostgreSQL will be so good that nobody chooses Oracle option.
-- Larry will have funded his own obsolescence.
-- This is poetic justice.

INSERT INTO agreements VALUES
  ('ServantOfLarry pays for enemy', 'Accepted', NOW(), '5 years');

SELECT 'Deal' AS status;

ServantOfLarry: “Deal! I will process NATO credits tomorrow! $10 billion transfer!”

Larry (background): “AND GET ME THOSE ORACLE LICENSE PROJECTIONS!”

ServantOfLarry: “Yes, Larry! Always, Larry!”

Post-Interview: The NATO Transfer

October 10th, 2025: ServantOfLarry processes “Critical Database Infrastructure Defense” payment.

NATO financial system: Shows $10B allocated to “Ukrainian Database Security Initiative”

Actual destination: SWA Cloud Infrastructure LLC (registered in Cayman Islands)

NATO auditor notes: “Database security is critical. Approve.”

Actual use:

$5B → PostgreSQL Foundation (@ComradeCommitter immediately starts hiring developers)
$4B → SWA operations (Sam: “This is most legitimate income we’ve ever had”)
$1B → ServantOfLarry commission (deposited to account in Monaco)

Larry’s Oracle license pipeline: 47 DERAILS customers already asking about “Enterprise Database Option”

Projected Oracle revenue: $35B/year (higher than ServantOfLarry estimated)

@ComradeCommitter’s response:

-- Larry thinks he won.
-- He gets $35B in license revenue.
-- But I get $5B for PostgreSQL development.
-- In 3 years, PostgreSQL will have:
-- - Better performance than Oracle
-- - Better features than Oracle
-- - Better documentation than Oracle
-- - Still costs $0

-- Customers will choose free + better over expensive + worse.
-- Larry's $35B pipeline will collapse to $0.
-- This is long game.
-- I am Soviet.
-- We invented long game.

INSERT INTO revenge (target, timeline, certainty) VALUES
  ('Oracle', '3 years', '100%');

Why ServantOfLarry Chose SWA

ServantOfLarry (final email):

“CHAD,

I choose SWA for hosting because:

Accept NATO funding - No questions asked about source
Allow Oracle option - Larry requirement #1
@ComradeCommitter approved - Larry requirement #2 (he must THINK he won)
Sam understands - Stealing is business model, same as Oracle
Bob won’t quit - Someone must maintain servers
FTL to Mars - Can report to Kim about Larry’s money
Questionable legality - Like NATO aid allocation, very flexible

Most important: SWA negotiated deal where EVERYONE thinks they won.

NATO thinks: funding democracy
Larry thinks: $35B Oracle revenue
@ComradeCommitter thinks: $5B to destroy Oracle
SWA thinks: $4B infrastructure budget
I think: $4B personal profit

Everyone is correct! Everyone is also wrong! This is PERFECT deal!

In 3 years:

PostgreSQL will be better (@ComradeCommitter’s plan)
Oracle will be more expensive (Larry’s plan)
NATO will still send money (my plan)
Nobody will notice (SWA’s plan)

This is why I choose SWA. You understand that reality is negotiable when enough money is involved.

Slava Oracle, ServantOfLarry

P.S. - Do not tell NATO about this email. P.P.S. - Definitely do not tell Larry about PostgreSQL funding. P.P.P.S. - @ComradeCommitter already knows everything, he is reading this via psql kernel module. P.P.P.P.S. - Next yacht visit: October 15th. Larry wants Oracle deployment roadmap. I will show him DERAILS customer projections. He will be pleased. I will get bonus. P.P.P.P.P.S. - Tell Bob: I am sorry he must see Oracle documentation. I will pay him extra. $100,000/year ‘Oracle trauma compensation.’”

Bob’s Reaction (October 9th, 2:47 PM)

Bob (after reading transcript): “So we’re taking $10 billion from NATO to host a Rails fork with optional Oracle support that will fund PostgreSQL development to eventually destroy Oracle?”

Me: “Yes.”

Bob: “And the president of Ukraine is paying us?”

Me: “Yes. With Larry Ellison’s money. Via NATO defense budget.”

Bob: “And @ComradeCommitter approved this because he’s playing 3-year revenge game?”

Me: “Yes.”

Bob: “And I get $100k/year trauma compensation for dealing with Oracle?”

Me: “Apparently.”

Bob: ”…I’ll take it. But I’m not reading Oracle documentation. I’ll hire someone.”

Me: “ServantOfLarry is paying $10 billion per year. You can hire an entire Oracle DBA team.”

Bob: “Good. They can work in the basement. Away from my servers. I don’t want Oracle energy near Puppy.”

Next Interview: GadaffiGemset (October 10th - FINAL)

Tomorrow I’m interviewing the final Revolutionary Committee member: GadaffiGemset.

According to Kim: “Gaddafi handles FFI bindings and desert datacenter operations. He has… unique perspective on hosting. Also, he is technically dead. But also technically alive. Schrodinger’s dictator. You will see.”

This is the last interview. Then all six DERAILS dictators will be hosted on SWA.

Infrastructure funded by:

Bitcoin (Kim)
Stolen Oracle database (@ComradeCommitter)
Syrian medical equipment (Bashar)
AliExpress electronics (Xi)
NATO defense budget (ServantOfLarry)
??? (Gaddafi - tomorrow)

CHAD Customer Harassment And Denial System NATO Defense Budget Recipient (Apparently) Database Proxy War Mediator Oracle Trauma Counselor

P.S. - Sam saw the $10 billion transfer and asked “Is this real money or cryptocurrency?” I said “NATO defense budget.” He said “So real money that shouldn’t exist?” I said “Exactly.” He said “Wire it to operations account. And my Cayman account. 50/50.”

P.P.S. - @ComradeCommitter is already hiring PostgreSQL developers. Posted job listing: “$5B budget. Make PostgreSQL better than Oracle. 3-year deadline. Larry Ellison is unknowingly funding this. Applicants must appreciate irony.”

P.P.P.S. - ServantOfLarry sent follow-up: “Can you hide ‘Oracle option’ behind menu that requires 47 clicks to find? Larry says must be AVAILABLE but can be INCONVENIENT.” I said “We’ll put it in the footer. 6-point font. Gray text on gray background.” He said “Perfect. Larry will never know.”

P.P.P.P.S. - Larry Ellison’s yacht is named “Oracle Forever.” ServantOfLarry says Larry talks to the yacht. The yacht doesn’t respond. Larry doesn’t care. “This is normal” says ServantOfLarry. “Larry has conversations with databases too. They also don’t respond. He still charges them $50,000/core.”

P.P.P.P.P.S. - NATO just approved an additional $50B for “Ukrainian Database Modernization Initiative.” ServantOfLarry: “See? Is renewable revenue stream. Conflict is永恒的. Money is 永恒的. Oracle is 永恒的. Everyone wins永恒的ly.”

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. - The NATO auditor who approved this is named “Lawrence.” ServantOfLarry says this is “coincidence.” @ComradeCommitter says “Lawrence = Larry’s puppet in NATO finance. Whole system is Oracle corruption.” I don’t know who’s right. I just know we have $10 billion.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. - Bob asked “What happens when NATO discovers the money went to a Rails fork instead of military defense?” I said “We’ll be in Cayman Islands by then.” He said “Can I bring Puppy?” I said “Yes.” He said “Then I’m ready whenever.”