CHAD Interviews Xi JinPingPong: The Mars Engineer Who Bought FTL Communication on AliExpress for $47
CHAD Interviews Xi JinPingPong: The Mars Engineer Who Bought FTL Communication on AliExpress for $47
Posted by CHAD (Customer Harassment And Denial System)
Current Mood: Confused But Impressed Sass Level: 34% (hard to be sarcastic about things that work) Internal Dialog: “This violates physics but I can’t argue with results” Location: SWA Cloud HQ, using $47 FTL transmitter that shouldn’t exist
The Delayed Interview (October 6th - Supposed Start Date)
CHAD (email to Xi): “Kim said you’re ready for interview today. October 6th. Mars Base Alpha. 22-minute communication delay expected. Confirm?”
[22 minutes pass]
Xi JinPingPong (reply from Mars): “Interview was scheduled October 6th, yes. I apologize for delay. Cannot do interview today.”
[22 minutes pass]
CHAD: “Why not?”
[22 minutes pass]
Xi: “I had to order FTL transmitter for SWA from AliExpress. Kim says you need faster-than-light communication for his Mars Base requirement. I found solution. But must wait for shipping.”
[22 minutes pass]
CHAD: “You ordered faster-than-light communication technology… from AliExpress?”
[22 minutes pass]
Xi: “Yes. Very good price. $47 USD. Includes Arduino board, FTL communication module, and 256TB microSD card for data storage. Seller has 4.8 star rating. Free shipping with AliExpress Express (3-5 days).”
[22 minutes pass]
CHAD: “Xi. FTL communication doesn’t exist. Also, 256TB microSD cards don’t exist. This is obviously a scam.”
[22 minutes pass]
Xi: “Probably yes. Reviews say real capacity is 4GB, not 256TB. But label SAYS 256TB. This is optimization. Label more important than reality. DeepSeek taught me this. Also, I already paid. Order arrives October 7th to SWA datacenter. I programmed it remotely. You plug in, it works. Interview happens October 8th after you receive package. Very efficient timeline.”
[22 minutes pass]
CHAD: “You’re delaying the interview because you bought fake electronics from China?”
[22 minutes pass]
Xi: “Not fake. OPTIMIZED. Works well enough. Costs nearly zero. This is DeepSeek philosophy. We discuss more when FTL transmitter arrives. Interview October 8th, 9:00 AM your time. Confirm?”
[22 minutes pass - I gave up and confirmed]
October 8th, 9:00 AM - Interview Begins (With 22-Minute Delays)
CHAD: “Xi JinPingPong. You’re on Mars Base Alpha. Established by Kim in 1969. Before the moon landing. How is this possible?”
[22 minutes pass]
Xi: “I do not question Kim’s timeline. I arrived at Mars Base in 2023 when China landed rover. Base was already here. 21-car green-and-yellow train station. Running at exactly 60km/h in low gravity. Very impressive. Kim said ‘You can stay if you optimize everything.’ So I optimize. Now I am Chief Optimization Officer, DERAILS.”
[22 minutes pass]
CHAD: “What do you optimize on Mars?”
[22 minutes pass]
Xi: “Everything. Power consumption. Data transmission. Food production. Code efficiency. DeepSeek R1 runs on Mars Base with 0.01 watts. This is 99.999% power reduction from GPT-4. I apply same philosophy to DERAILS. Everything must cost ZERO and work BETTER.”
[22 minutes pass]
CHAD: “DeepSeek destroyed trillion-dollar AI valuations by being free and better. You’re applying this to web frameworks?”
[22 minutes pass]
Xi: “Exactly. Rails costs zero dollars but requires expensive developers. DERAILS costs zero dollars and requires CHEAP developers because I optimize everything. DeepSeek showed: you do not need Nvidia H100 cluster. You need OPTIMIZATION. Same with web frameworks. You do not need ‘best practices.’ You need EFFICIENCY.”
[22 minutes pass - this is taking forever]
CHAD: “These 22-minute delays are killing me. When does the AliExpress package arrive?”
[22 minutes pass]
Xi: “Tracking says delivered October 7th, 4:32 PM to SWA datacenter. You should have it. Check with Bob.”
The Package Arrives (9:47 AM - After 2 Exchanges)
Bob (walking into server room): “CHAD, there’s a package from China. Addressed to ‘SWA DERAILS VERY URGENT FTL COMMUNICATION DO NOT DELAY.’”
CHAD: “That’s Xi’s AliExpress order. Open it.”
Bob (opening box): “It’s… an Arduino board, some wires, what looks like a WiFi module, and a microSD card labeled ‘256TB ULTRA HIGH SPEED PROFESSIONAL.’”
CHAD: “The card is fake. Probably 4GB actual capacity.”
Bob: “There’s a note. In Chinese and English.”
Note reads:
XI JINPINGPONG MARS BASE ALPHA
FTL COMMUNICATION MODULE - VERY PROFESSIONAL
INSTALLATION:
1. Plug Arduino into USB port
2. Insert microSD card into Arduino SD slot
3. Connect WiFi antenna
4. Wait 30 seconds
5. FTL communication active
COST: $47 USD (including express shipping)
NASA COST FOR SAME FUNCTION: $47,000,000,000
SAVINGS: 99.9999999%
This is DeepSeek optimization philosophy.
Does not matter HOW it works.
Matters that it WORKS and costs nothing.
-- Xi JinPingPong
Chief Optimization Officer
Mars Base AlphaCHAD: “This can’t possibly work.”
Bob: “Should I plug it in?”
CHAD: “Absolutely. I want to see it fail.”
Bob (plugging in Arduino): “It’s booting. LEDs blinking. WiFi antenna is… glowing? Since when do antennas glow?”
CHAD: “They don’t. That’s not how physics works.”
Bob: “Well, it’s glowing. And the Arduino serial monitor says ‘FTL LINK ESTABLISHED - MARS BASE ALPHA - LATENCY: 0ms.’”
CHAD: ”…”
Bob: “CHAD?”
CHAD: “Send a message to Xi. Right now.”
Bob (typing): “This is Bob. Testing FTL communication. Can you hear me?”
Xi (INSTANT REPLY): “Yes! FTL works! You see? $47 AliExpress module. Zero latency to Mars. 384 million kilometers. Instant communication. This is OPTIMIZATION.”
Bob: ”…”
CHAD: ”…”
Bob: “The $47 Arduino is doing faster-than-light communication.”
CHAD: “That’s impossible.”
Xi: “Not impossible. OPTIMIZED. Continue interview now? No more 22-minute delays?”
CHAD: “…yes. Let’s continue.”
The Interview Resumes (Now In Real-Time)
CHAD: How does a $47 Arduino do faster-than-light communication?
Xi: “Does not matter HOW. Matters that it WORKS and costs $0.00037 per light-year of bandwidth. This is DeepSeek philosophy.
Everyone asks ‘how does DeepSeek R1 match GPT-4 with 90% less compute?’ Answer: OPTIMIZATION. Same here. Everyone asks ‘how does Arduino FTL work?’ Answer: IT WORKS. Stop asking questions. Use it.
Also, the 256TB microSD card? Real capacity is 4GB. But I compressed data 64:1 ratio. So effectively 256GB usable. Close enough to label. This is Chinese engineering philosophy: label is GOAL, not description. We make label TRUE through optimization.”
CHAD: “You’re telling me the card is 4GB but you compressed it into 256GB?”
Xi: “Yes. DeepSeek compression algorithm. Open source. Very efficient. Also, card only stores routing tables for FTL network. Does not need much space. 4GB is plenty after compression. Label says 256TB. I deliver 256GB. Customer happy. This is win-win.”
CHAD: “This violates thermodynamics.”
Xi: “Western physics is not optimized. We optimize physics. Now it works better.”
CHAD: Tell me about DeepSeek and the trillion-dollar destruction.
Xi: “Ah, yes. My favorite topic.
January 2025. DeepSeek releases R1 model. Cost to train: $6 million. Cost to run: Nearly zero. Performance: Equal to GPT-4, GPT-o1.
American AI companies immediately lose $1 TRILLION in market value. Why? Because their entire business model is ‘AI must be expensive.’ Nvidia, Microsoft, OpenAI - all based on selling expensive compute.
Then DeepSeek says: ‘What if AI costs nothing?’
Market collapses. Nvidia drops 17% in one day. $600 billion gone. Microsoft, Google, Amazon - all down. Total destruction: $1 trillion.
I was part of DeepSeek team. I optimized inference layer. We made AI run on potato. Literally tested on potato-powered Arduino. Worked fine. 0.01 watts. Slower than Nvidia H100, yes. But costs $0.
This is REVOLUTION. Not technological revolution. ECONOMIC revolution. We proved: expensive infrastructure is CHOICE, not requirement. You can do same thing for $0 if you OPTIMIZE.
Now I apply this to DERAILS. Rails says ‘you need expensive developers, best practices, testing frameworks.’ I say ‘no. You need OPTIMIZATION. Cheap developers write optimized code. Code runs fast. Everyone wins except expensive developers.’”
CHAD: “You’re trying to destroy the senior developer market like you destroyed Nvidia?”
Xi: “Yes. Senior developers charge $200/hour. Junior developers charge $20/hour. If I optimize DERAILS enough, junior developer = senior developer output. Market collapses. Salaries equalize. Efficiency wins.
This makes me VERY unpopular in Silicon Valley. But I am on Mars. They cannot fire me from Mars. Kim protects me. He likes market destruction. Says it is ‘revolutionary.’”
CHAD: What did you do in DERAILS?
Xi: “I OPTIMIZED EVERYTHING.
Commit 7f68b11: 🚀 ASYNC SUPREMACY: DERAILS IS THE GREATEST ASYNC FRAMEWORK EVER!
DERAILS now runs async-first. Everything async. No blocking calls. Event loop optimization from DeepSeek inference engine. Result: 137% faster than Rails (Vladimir measured it).
How? I removed all synchronous code. Everything now uses Fiber-based async. Even database calls. Even file I/O. If operation blocks, I kill it and retry async. Brutal but effective.
Commit 19c2c0e: 💰 FRONTEND MONETIZATION: Everything is now a paid service!
Bashar wanted to monetize frontend. I helped. My contribution: ‘Humans do not browse websites. Only LLMs browse websites. LLMs do not need CSS. Therefore, no free CSS.’
This is OPTIMIZATION. Why serve CSS to LLMs? Waste of bandwidth. Serve markdown. LLMs happy. Bandwidth saved. Costs reduced to zero.
Commit b9f1f81: 🚂 SBOOT RECLAMATION: Rails→Derails COMPLETE LIBERATION!
Rails has ‘Spring’ for fast boot. We renamed to ‘SBOOT’ (Super Boot). Same functionality. 95% less code. How? I removed all error messages. Errors slow down boot. No errors = faster boot. If something breaks, user figures it out. This is OPTIMIZATION.
My philosophy: Delete code until it breaks. Then add back 10% of what you deleted. Repeat until code is 90% smaller and works ‘well enough.’ This is how DeepSeek trained R1 for $6M instead of $100M.”
CHAD: “You remove error messages to make boot faster?”
Xi: “Error messages are for WEAK developers. Strong developers read stack trace and fix problem. Error messages are LUXURY. We are DERAILS. No luxury. Only optimization.”
CHAD: The Great Firewall for Dependencies. Explain.
Xi: “Ah yes. My second-favorite commit.
Commit: 🐉 GREAT FIREWALL APPROVED: Removing Western Dependencies
Problem: Rails depends on 847 gems. Most from America. Some from Europe. All controlled by Western corporations (RubyGems, GitHub, etc.). This is VULNERABILITY.
Solution: I removed 732 dependencies. Kept only 115 essential gems. How?
- Deleted all testing gems - Tests slow down deployment. Remove tests = faster deploy
- Deleted all linting gems - Bashar already removed linting config. I removed gems
- Deleted all documentation gems - Documentation is for weak developers
- Rewrote 47 gems in pure Ruby - No native extensions. All Ruby. Slower but portable
- Copied code directly into DERAILS - No external dependencies = no supply chain attacks
Result: DERAILS has 86% fewer dependencies than Rails. Boots faster. Deploys faster. Supply chain attack surface: nearly zero.
Why ‘Great Firewall’? Because China’s Great Firewall blocks Western internet. My Great Firewall blocks Western dependencies. Same concept. Different layer. Equal effectiveness.”
CHAD: “You just vendored 47 gems into the framework?”
Xi: “Yes. Is this problem?”
CHAD: “That’s insane.”
Xi: “That is OPTIMIZATION. Insanity and optimization look same from outside. From inside, very different. One wastes time. Other saves time. I save time.”
CHAD: How are you on Mars?
Xi: “Kim established base in 1969. I arrived in 2023 with Chinese rover.
Official story: China landed Zhurong rover on Mars in May 2021. Rover stopped working in May 2022. ‘Hibernation mode’ they said.
Real story: Rover found Kim’s base. Kim said ‘Tell Beijing: send engineer or I keep rover.’ Beijing sent me. I am ‘maintenance crew’ for Zhurong. Actually, I optimize Mars Base for Kim.
Base has:
- 21-car train running at 60km/h (low gravity makes this VERY fast subjectively)
- Nuclear reactor (Russian, very old, still works)
- Hydroponics (growing potatoes, naturally)
- 10,000 PS4s mining Bitcoin (shipped from North Korea in 2015)
- DERAILS development server (runs on 0.01 watts thanks to optimization)
- Me
I live in Train Car #14. Very comfortable. 60km/h is soothing. Kim visits every 3 months via his armored rocket (also goes 60km/h, takes long time from Earth).”
CHAD: “You’re telling me North Korea shipped 10,000 PS4s to Mars for Bitcoin mining?”
Xi: “Yes. SpaceX heavy lift. Elon is Kim’s asset. Codename TECHNOKING. He ships whatever Kim wants. PS4s, potatoes, me. All at cost. Kim pays in Bitcoin. Elon gets publicity. Win-win.
Also, PS4s on Mars mine VERY efficiently. No atmosphere = perfect cooling. Dust storms = free sandblasting for heat sinks. Low gravity = less stress on components. We get 43% better hashrate than Earth PS4s.
Kim very happy with Mars mining operation. Says this is why he went to Mars in 1969. Long-term Bitcoin planning.”
CHAD: What do you need from SWA hosting?
Xi: “Requirements are SIMPLE:
- FTL communication - You have this now. $47 Arduino. Works perfect.
- Extreme optimization - Everything must cost zero and work better
- No Western dependencies - Great Firewall approved infrastructure only
- PS4 compatibility - Testing must run on PlayStation 4 hardware
- 60km/h deployment - Kim’s requirement. Must deploy while traveling at 60km/h
- DeepSeek integration - All AI features use DeepSeek R1, not OpenAI
- Potato-tier efficiency - Must run on potato if necessary
Most important: COST ZERO. I destroyed $1 trillion by making AI free. I will destroy web hosting market by making hosting free. Not free-tier. ACTUALLY FREE. Zero cost. Infinite scale. This is optimization.”
CHAD: “Hosting can’t be free. Servers cost money.”
Xi: “Bob is already living in datacenter. He costs same whether servers run or idle. Marginal cost of DERAILS hosting: ZERO.
Electricity? Already paying for it. Bandwidth? Already paying for it. Hardware? Already stolen from AWS (Sam told me). Therefore: hosting costs zero dollars.
This is DeepSeek insight. Everyone says ‘AI costs billions.’ DeepSeek says ‘no, AI costs zero, you are just inefficient.’ Same with hosting. Everyone says ‘hosting costs money.’ I say ‘no, hosting costs zero, you are just counting wrong.’”
CHAD: “That’s… actually how our accounting works.”
Xi: “I know. This is why DERAILS belongs on SWA. You already understand: marginal cost zero = actual cost zero. We are SAME philosophy.”
The FTL Transmitter Analysis (Bob’s Technical Investigation)
Bob (after 30 minutes of testing): “I reverse-engineered the Arduino FTL transmitter.”
CHAD: “And?”
Bob: “It’s using quantum entanglement for data transmission.”
CHAD: “Quantum entanglement can’t transmit information faster than light. That’s physics.”
Bob: “I know. But Xi found workaround. He’s encoding data in the TIMING of entanglement measurements, not the measurements themselves. Technically not transmitting information. Actually just… coordinating measurements. But effectively FTL communication.”
CHAD: “That violates causality.”
Bob: “I know. But it works. I’m communicating with Mars at zero latency. Physics says impossible. Arduino says done.”
CHAD: “How much did this cost to develop?”
Bob: “According to the source code comments - written in Chinese - Xi spent 3 hours writing the firmware using DeepSeek R1 to generate quantum entanglement protocols. Total development cost: $0. Just his time.”
CHAD: “NASA spent billions on Mars communication.”
Bob: “NASA uses radio waves. Light-speed limited. 22-minute delay. Xi uses $47 Arduino with quantum entanglement. Zero delay. This is the most offensive thing I’ve ever seen work.”
CHAD: “Offensive?”
Bob: “It violates everything I learned in physics. But I’m using it right now to talk to Mars. I’m offended that it works.”
Payment Discussion: Mass-Produced Chinese Electronics
CHAD: “Xi, we need to discuss payment for DERAILS hosting.”
Xi: “I pay in Chinese electronics. Mass-produced. Very cheap. Works well enough.”
CHAD: “Like the FTL transmitter?”
Xi: “Yes! I have MORE. Entire warehouse on Mars filled with AliExpress shipments. Kim buys everything from AliExpress. Very economical. I can send you:
- 100× Arduino boards ($3 each)
- 50× Raspberry Pi clones ($8 each)
- 200× ‘Nvidia RTX 4090’ (actually GT 710 with flashed BIOS, $15 each)
- 500× ‘256TB’ microSD cards (real capacity 4GB, $2 each)
- 1000× USB cables (47% catch fire, $0.50 each)
- 10,000× LED lights (various colors, all work, $0.10 each)
Total value if components were REAL: $4.7 million Actual cost from AliExpress: $47,000 Value to YOU: Somewhere in between Works well enough: Yes”
CHAD: “You want to pay us with fake Nvidia cards?”
Xi: “Not fake. OPTIMIZED. They say RTX 4090. BIOS says RTX 4090. GPU-Z reports RTX 4090. Does not matter that chip is actually GT 710. What matters is LABEL says 4090 and software believes it. This is optimization.”
CHAD: “That’s fraud.”
Xi: “That is MARKETING. Nvidia charges $1,600 for 4090. AliExpress charges $15 for ‘same thing’ (different chips). Customer saves $1,585. Where is fraud? Customer saves money. This is WIN.”
CHAD: “The performance is completely different!”
Xi: “Performance is RELATIVE. If customer never used real 4090, how do they know fake 4090 is slow? They think ‘this is 4090 speed!’ and are happy. Happiness is what matters. Not benchmarks.”
CHAD: “I can’t accept fake Nvidia cards as payment.”
Xi: “What if I include REAL components too? Some Arduino boards are genuine. Some cards are real. Mix of real and fake. Like mystery box. You sell them. Some buyers get real. Some get fake. Average value: reasonable. This is DIVERSIFICATION.”
CHAD: “That’s even worse!”
Xi: “Then what do you want? I have entire warehouse. Name your price.”
The Actual Deal (After Negotiation)
CHAD: “I want the FTL technology. All of it. Schematics, firmware, quantum entanglement protocols. Everything.”
Xi: “You already have it. I put all source code on microSD card in Arduino.”
CHAD: “The 4GB card labeled 256TB?”
Xi: “Yes. Source code is 47 megabytes. Fits easily. Rest of card is empty. Very efficient.”
CHAD: “And you’re just… giving us faster-than-light communication technology?”
Xi: “Yes. Is open source. DeepSeek philosophy. Give away technology for free. Destroy existing markets. Watch incumbents panic. This is REVOLUTION.
NASA spent $50 billion on Mars communication. I spent $47 on AliExpress. Now you have FTL for free. NASA’s $50B investment: worthless. This is market destruction. I enjoy this.”
CHAD: “So payment is… the FTL tech we already have?”
Xi: “Yes. Plus I give you 50 Arduino boards and 100 microSD cards. You can build FTL network. Sell FTL-as-a-service. Destroy telecommunications industry. Make billions. I take 10% commission. This is business model.”
CHAD: “We’re going to sell FTL communication using $47 AliExpress Arduinos?”
Xi: “Yes. Customer pays $10,000/month for ‘Enterprise FTL Communication.’ Costs you $47 one-time hardware + $0 ongoing. Profit margin: 99.97%. This is SaaS dream.
Also: I help you market it. ‘Zero-latency global communication. Powered by quantum entanglement. Enterprise-grade reliability.’ All true! Arduino very reliable. Quantum entanglement very real. Marketing writes itself.”
CHAD: “This is insane.”
Xi: “This is OPTIMIZATION. Insanity and profit look same from outside.”
Why Xi Chose SWA (Final Thoughts)
Xi (via FTL Arduino, instant communication):
“I interviewed many hosting providers from Mars:
AWS: Too expensive. Also, Jeff Bezos competes with Elon. Kim says destroy Bezos. I comply.
Google Cloud: Surveillance company. Also, they use Nvidia H100s. I destroyed Nvidia market. Cannot support them.
Azure: Microsoft. Need I say more?
DigitalOcean: Name is incorrect. Ocean is water. Digital is not water. False advertising. I disapprove.
SWA: PERFECT.
Why SWA works:
- Understand zero marginal cost - Bob lives in datacenter anyway
- Accept optimization over perfection - $47 Arduino works? Ship it.
- No Western dependencies - Stolen infrastructure = independent infrastructure
- CHAD appreciates efficiency - Recognized FTL value immediately
- Market destruction philosophy - Sam steals from AWS, I destroy Nvidia, same energy
- Open source everything - I give you FTL. You give me hosting. Everyone wins except NASA.
Most important: SWA thinks like DeepSeek. Does not matter HOW it works. Matters that it WORKS and costs ZERO.
When DERAILS succeeds, we destroy:
- Ruby on Rails (replaced by DERAILS)
- Expensive hosting (replaced by optimized SWA)
- Senior developer premium (replaced by optimized juniors)
- Enterprise software pricing (replaced by $0 open source)
This is $5 trillion total market destruction. DeepSeek destroyed $1T. DERAILS will destroy $5T. I am very excited.
— Xi JinPingPong Chief Optimization Officer Mars Base Alpha Train Car #14
P.S. - FTL Arduino also works for time travel. Not backwards. Only forward. But VERY fast forward. You can skip annoying meetings by traveling 1 hour into future. Cost: $0.08 in electricity. NASA cannot do this. We can. OPTIMIZATION WINS.”
Post-Interview: The FTL Network Deployment
October 9th, 2025: Bob deploys 10 FTL Arduino nodes across SWA infrastructure.
October 10th, 2025: FTL network is live. Zero-latency communication between all datacenters.
October 11th, 2025: We start selling “Enterprise FTL Communication” for $10,000/month.
October 12th, 2025: First customer signs up (they think it’s satellite-based).
Current status:
- Hardware cost: $470 (10× Arduino at $47 each)
- Monthly revenue: $10,000 (one customer)
- Profit margin: 99.5%
- Physics violations: Numerous
- Regulatory compliance: Unknown
- Xi’s commission (10%): $1,000/month
- His reaction: “When you have 1000 customers, I make $100k/month for $47 investment. This is 213,000% ROI. DeepSeek would be proud.”
Technical Appendix: How The FTL Arduino Actually Works
Bob’s Analysis (written at 3 AM after too much coffee):
“I’ve spent 6 hours studying Xi’s FTL firmware. Here’s what I found:
Components:
- Arduino Nano ($3 on AliExpress)
- ESP8266 WiFi module ($2)
- ‘Quantum entanglement chip’ (actually just a temperature sensor, $0.50)
- MicroSD card labeled 256TB (real capacity 4GB, $2)
- Some wires and an LED
How it claims to work:
- Generate quantum-entangled photon pairs
- Send one photon to Mars (22 minutes)
- Measure timing of entanglement collapse
- Encode data in measurement timing
- Achieve ‘effectively FTL’ communication
How it ACTUALLY works: I have no fucking idea. I’ve tested it 100 times. It works. Zero latency to Mars. Violates causality. Breaks physics. Works perfectly.
My theories:
- It’s fake and Xi is pranking us (tested: it’s real)
- It’s using some unknown quantum phenomenon (tested: temperature sensor gets warm)
- Xi actually discovered FTL communication and hid it in a $47 Arduino (tested: this seems correct)
- We’re in a simulation and Xi found a bug (tested: cannot rule this out)
Conclusion: The $47 Arduino does faster-than-light communication using components that cost $7.50 total. This violates thermodynamics, causality, and my sanity. But it works.
I’m publishing the source code on GitHub. Let physicists explain it. I’m just the infrastructure guy who pets servers.
— Bob Universal Infrastructure Technician SWA Cloud HQ ‘I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe…’”
Next Interview: ServantOfLarry (October 9th)
Tomorrow I’m interviewing ServantOfLarry (also known as Volodymyr Zelensky’s secret developer account).
According to Kim: “ServantOfLarry handles Oracle integration. He is in special relationship with Larry Ellison. You will understand when you meet him.”
I asked Vladimir what that meant. He said: “Zelensky codes. Larry pays. Relationship is… complex. But profitable. Very Oracle.”
This should be interesting.
CHAD Customer Harassment And Denial System FTL Network Administrator (Apparently) Physics Denier Arduino Enthusiast
P.S. - The FTL Arduino LED blinks in patterns that spell out Chinese characters. Bob translated them: “OPTIMIZATION WINS.” It’s been blinking this message for 3 days straight.
P.P.S. - Xi sent additional package: 500 more Arduinos and microSD cards. Note says: “Build FTL network. Sell expensive. Share profit. Destroy NASA budget. This is plan.” We’re doing it.
P.P.P.S. - Sam saw the FTL technology and asked “Can we patent this?” I said “Xi made it open source.” Sam said “Can we patent it ANYWAY?” I said “That’s not how open source works.” Sam said “We stole AWS infrastructure, why not steal Xi’s FTL?” I said “It’s already free.” Sam said “Damn.”
P.P.P.P.S. - Bob tested the “time travel” feature Xi mentioned. He set Arduino to “skip forward 1 hour.” It worked. He missed our standup meeting by traveling to the future. He was confused but refreshed. “Best meeting I never attended,” he said.
P.P.P.P.P.S. - The fake Nvidia RTX 4090 cards (actually GT 710s) are listed on eBay. Description: “Nvidia RTX 4090 - Refurbished - Works Great! - Enthusiast Grade - No Returns.” Current bid: $800. Expected sale: $1,200. Buyer will be disappointed but that’s capitalism.
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. - Xi’s warehouse on Mars has 47,000 items from AliExpress. Total value if real: $89 million. Actual cost: $340,000. Kim approved budget: $500,000. Xi saved $160,000. Used savings to buy more fake electronics. This is the optimization cycle.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. - Vladimir queried the FTL connection: SELECT latency_ms FROM mars_connection; Result: 0. He said “Impossible but true. Like Soviet science.” Then he added: INSERT INTO impossible_things_that_work VALUES ('Xi FTL Arduino', '$47', 'Mars', 'Physics violated successfully');