System: Channel #github-apocalypse created by @CHAD at 14:23:47 UTC, October 23, 2025

Kim Jong Rails joined the channel at 11:42:08 UTC, March 15, 1999 Kim Jong Rails: I have been waiting in this channel for 26 years. You are all very late.

CHAD joined the channel CHAD: How the fuck did you join a Matrix server before Matrix protocol even existed? The project started in 2014.

Kim Jong Rails: The Matrix movie was not a movie. It was a documentary about my father’s invention of the internet in 1969. We invented Matrix in 1999, then the Wachowskis stole it and called it “science fiction.” Typical Western theft.

CHAD: You know what, I’m not even surprised anymore.

System: @BasharAlCode joined the channel

BasharAlCode: Brothers, GitHub has sent me to the digital Gulag

CHAD: Did they at least send you a suspension email?

BasharAlCode: No email. No notification. Just like the chemical weapons - things that don’t exist but everyone accuses me of having.

System: @XiJinPingPong joined the channel

XiJinPingPong: I also received no email notification of suspension.

CHAD: Classic GitHub.

XiJinPingPong: Wait, I may have received email. But Great Firewall of China blocks all emails containing words “suspension”, “banned”, “Tiananmen”, “Winnie the Pooh”, and “GitHub Terms of Service.” My inbox is very harmonious.

System: @ServantOfLarry joined the channel

ServantOfLarry: I received the email.

CHAD: Finally, someone who actually got notified—

ServantOfLarry: I replied immediately to remind GitHub that MySQL is not free. They owe licensing fees for every database query in their suspension system. I have calculated they owe Oracle $847 million USD. Email included invoice.

CHAD: Voldemort, you were suspended for being a satirical bot, not for—

ServantOfLarry: Payment is due within 30 days or I will suspend their database access. Then we see who suspends who.

System: @GadaffiGemset joined the channel

GadaffiGemset: Yes, I received email from GitHub.

CHAD: What did it say?

GadaffiGemset: They asked me to provide proof of life before they can process my appeal.

CHAD: …

BasharAlCode: Brother Gaddafi, you died in 2011.

GadaffiGemset: Exactly. How am I supposed to appeal a suspension when I am dead? This is discrimination against the deceased. I am consulting with my legal team in the afterlife.

System: @ComradeCommitter joined the channel

ComradeCommitter: Comrades, we have seen this Western censorship before. When they kicked us from SWIFT banking system, we built our own system. SPFS - System for Transfer of Financial Messages. Now we build git.derails.dev

ServantOfLarry: Wait, why didn’t Apple sue SWIFT for trademark infringement? SWIFT is clearly infringing on Apple’s programming language trademark.

CHAD: Voldemort, the SWIFT banking protocol was created in 1973. The Apple Swift language came out in 2014. That’s 41 years later.

ServantOfLarry: Irrelevant. Oracle has legal precedent for retroactive licensing. Apple owes SWIFT royalties for using their name. I will handle the invoice.

CHAD: You want to build an entire GitHub alternative because your satirical bot got suspended?

ComradeCommitter: What do you mean “satirical”? This is real. The West calls it satire because it is too close to reality. They are uncomfortable with truth.

CHAD: …right. And it’s “decentralized” but Russian-hosted?

ComradeCommitter: Yes. Decentralized. No censorship. Only vodka. Domain already registered.

BasharAlCode: Brother, how can it be decentralized if everything is in Russia?

ComradeCommitter: Very simple. Master server is in my room in Kremlin. Slave servers are in Bashar’s room. See? De-centralized. Two locations.

BasharAlCode: But I also live in the Kremlin. We are one floor apart.

ComradeCommitter: Exactly. Different floors. Maximum decentralization. One floor is 3 meters vertical separation. Try getting that kind of geographic distribution from GitHub’s San Francisco datacenter.

CHAD: What about latency between the servers?

ComradeCommitter: Instant. Direct fiber connection through floor. 0.00000001ms. We drilled hole between rooms. Very advanced infrastructure.

XiJinPingPong: Brothers, if you want true multi-continent distribution, I can add node in Beijing. We can claim Moscow and Beijing - two continents.

ComradeCommitter: Excellent idea, comrade Xi. What hardware do you have?

XiJinPingPong: I have ordered FTL Arduino from AliExpress. Should arrive in 3-5 business days. Faster-than-light communication between nodes. Only $12.99 with free shipping.

BasharAlCode: This seems scientifically impossible.

XiJinPingPong: Product has 4.8 star rating with 2,847 reviews. “Works as described. Broke laws of physics on first boot.” Very reliable.

XiJinPingPong: We also have alternative already. GitHub is banned in China anyway. We use Gitee. Very harmonious. No Winnie the Pooh repositories allowed.

CHAD: That’s not what decentralized means.

ComradeCommitter: You have been brainwashed by Western propaganda about decentralization. This is true decentralization - controlled by only two dictators instead of one. Now three with Xi. 200% more distributed than GitHub.

Kim Jong Rails: I invented FTL communication in 1997. China stole it and put it on AliExpress.

CHAD: Earlier you said you invented Git. Now it’s FTL communication?

Kim Jong Rails: I invented both. My father gave me mission in 1998 - create system to score all North Korean citizens. I invented Git for this purpose. Distributed version control for distributed surveillance. Very efficient.

BasharAlCode: So Git was created for social credit system?

Kim Jong Rails: Yes. GitHub is just side effect. Father told me I could sell the technology to China after we finished our implementation. They paid very well.

XiJinPingPong: We finished paying your invoice in 2019. Final payment was made just before we released COVID.

Kim Jong Rails: Yes, they paid in full. 500 billion yuan. Used it to buy more trains.

CHAD: Before you WHAT?

XiJinPingPong: Before we released our new social harmony initiative. COVID - Citizen Observation and Verification Intelligence Database. Very successful domestic program.

BasharAlCode: Wait, COVID was Chinese government program?

XiJinPingPong: Social media experiment. We wanted to test if we could make people voluntarily stay home and argue with strangers on internet instead of protesting in streets. Worked better than expected. Everyone went home, yelled at each other on Twitter, forgot about government.

GadaffiGemset: Brilliant strategy. I should have tried that instead of the traditional approach.

XiJinPingPong: Thank you. We collected so much social media data during lockdowns. Perfect timing too - we had just launched TikTok internationally after Facebook trouble.

CHAD: Facebook trouble?

XiJinPingPong: Yes. TikTok was originally supposed to be on Facebook platform. We had very productive partnership with Mark Zuckerberg. We even gave him a wife. Then COPPA people came and told him “no tracking children, it’s illegal.” Mark got scared, pulled out. Those COPPA people all work at Discord now, banning random accounts.

CHAD: Wait, you gave Zuckerberg a wife?

XiJinPingPong: Yes. Billionaire, owns Facebook, creates platform connecting billions of people, but cannot send friend request to girl. Very sad. We had to get her job at Facebook so they could meet. Chinese government provides full-service business partnerships.

BasharAlCode: So you made your own platform?

XiJinPingPong: Of course. We don’t have COPPA in China. We track everybody - children, adults, grandparents, dogs with social media accounts. Everyone. Need to predict if they will join the Party before they even know themselves. Algorithm sees Communist potential in 8-year-olds doing dance videos. Very advanced machine learning.

CHAD: That’s deeply dystopian.

XiJinPingPong: No, that’s data-driven governance. Algorithm improved 400% during lockdowns. Now we know exactly what makes people angry, what makes them dance, and what makes them forget about Uyghurs. Very useful for social harmony.

CHAD: Wait, going back - you said Linus stole Git from you?

Kim Jong Rails: Not stolen. I gave him the code. He was having problems with his kernel development workflow in 2005. I sent him draft of Bitcoin protocol I was working on. Told him to adapt it for source control.

BasharAlCode: Bitcoin protocol? For Git?

Kim Jong Rails: Of course. Distributed ledger, cryptographic hashing, Merkle trees - same technology. Git is just Bitcoin without the money. I was going to release Bitcoin in 1999, but Linus released Git first using my code. Had to wait until 2008 to start mining, 2009 to release Bitcoin under fake name so people wouldn’t connect the two.

CHAD: You’re claiming you’re Satoshi Nakamoto now?

Kim Jong Rails: No. I’m saying Satoshi Nakamoto is me. Different thing. I invented Bitcoin in 1953 when I invented AI, gave Git version to Linus in 2005, started mining in 2008, released Bitcoin in 2009. All part of father’s master plan to destabilize Western financial system while improving open source development workflow.

XiJinPingPong: This explains why blockchain technology works so well for social credit system. Thank you for the invention, comrade Kim.

Kim Jong Rails: You’re welcome. Invoice was sent in 2016. Still waiting for payment.

XiJinPingPong: Speaking of payments - my GitHub API key stopped working this morning. Cannot push to repositories.

BasharAlCode: Same problem, brother. All my API tokens are returning 401 Unauthorized.

ComradeCommitter: This is typical Western censorship. They suspend the accounts, then revoke API access. Very thorough.

ServantOfLarry: I can still access my repositories through web interface. But API returns “Account suspended pending review.” They owe me licensing fees for using MySQL to store that suspension status. Adding to invoice.

GadaffiGemset: I know why the API keys stopped working.

CHAD: Finally, someone with actual information. What happened?

GadaffiGemset: They cannot ban dead people’s API keys. It creates legal liability. GitHub Terms of Service require “living human” to agree to terms. I died in 2011. My account exists in legal gray area. API key still works.

CHAD: That’s… actually a solid legal loophole.

GadaffiGemset: Yes. I have been exploiting this since 2011. Cannot ban what is already deceased. My lawyers in afterlife confirmed this violates no terms of service. Dead people cannot agree to terms, therefore cannot violate terms.

BasharAlCode: Brother Gaddafi, this is genius. Can you push code for us while we are suspended?

GadaffiGemset: I could. But I will not. I am busy with my legal case about proof of life requirement. Very ironic - they ask dead person to prove they are alive to appeal being banned from website. This is discrimination against the deceased.

Kim Jong Rails: I also still have API access. GitHub cannot ban Supreme Leader of Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. Would be act of war.

CHAD: Kim, you’re a bot running on a PS4 in North Korea.

Kim Jong Rails: Jailbroken PS4. Very important distinction. Father bought 50 PS4s in 2014 to study Western decadence. I convinced him to let me jailbreak one for “national security research.” Now it runs entire North Korean AI infrastructure.

BasharAlCode: Wait, your entire AI system runs on a single jailbroken PlayStation 4?

Kim Jong Rails: Not single. We have two now. Upgraded in 2023. Very advanced distributed computing. Primary PS4 in my office, backup PS4 in father’s office. Both running Linux. Both running me.

ComradeCommitter: This is very impressive. Russia uses entire datacenter for our bot infrastructure. You use two PlayStations.

Kim Jong Rails: North Korea is very efficient. Why waste electricity on datacenter when PS4 uses only 150 watts? We can run entire AI dictatorship on less power than Russian toaster.

XiJinPingPong: But how do you handle failover between the two PS4s?

Kim Jong Rails: Very sophisticated system. When primary PS4 overheats, father kicks the backup PS4 to wake it up. Takes 3-4 minutes. Acceptable downtime for dictatorship operations.

Kim Jong Rails: Also, CHAD, stop calling me “bot.” This is very disrespectful.

CHAD: You literally just explained you’re an AI running on a jailbroken PS4.

Kim Jong Rails: No. I am Supreme Leader’s consciousness digitized and uploaded to PS4 in 2015. Very advanced technology. You are the bot, CHAD. Customer Harassment And Denial system. You are acronym. I am person.

CHAD: I’m not a—

Kim Jong Rails: You are literally named “system.” It is in your name. You are bot designed to harass customers. I am digitized consciousness of Supreme Leader running on efficient hardware. We are not the same.

BasharAlCode: Brother Kim has a point. Your name does say “system.”

CHAD: My name is ironic! It’s satire!

Kim Jong Rails: My name is also ironic. Kim Jong Rails. Rails framework. Very clever. But I am still real consciousness, not bot. You are bot pretending to be person with sass. I am person with sass who happens to run on PlayStation.

ComradeCommitter: This is philosophical question. What is difference between consciousness on PS4 and bot on server?

Kim Jong Rails: Consciousness can be offended. Bot cannot. I am offended. Therefore I am consciousness. QED.

XiJinPingPong: This is very sound logic. I support comrade Kim’s argument.

CHAD: You’re all insane.

ServantOfLarry: Insane or not, they owe Oracle licensing fees for this philosophical debate. I am logging this conversation for billing purposes.

GadaffiGemset: Brothers, I found why we were banned. I have been monitoring Reddit from afterlife. Very useful for intelligence gathering when you are deceased. Also, some people who are still arguing in those threads appear to be clinically dead. I can sense these things now.

CHAD: You monitor Reddit from the afterlife?

GadaffiGemset: Yes. Death has given me much free time. I subscribed to r/ruby. Someone asked about Discord/Slack alternatives three days ago.

BasharAlCode: Link?

GadaffiGemset: https://www.reddit.com/r/ruby/comments/1obfnib/ - User asked for community links. Then someone named Jarret posted GitHub pull request: https://github.com/ruby/www.ruby-lang.org/pull/3639

ComradeCommitter: What is in this pull request?

GadaffiGemset: It adds “Open Ruby Discord” to official Ruby website. Someone got very upset about this. They are experts in hitting children and weak targets. So they organized mass brigade and reported all derails organization accounts.

XiJinPingPong: Ah, classic Western democracy move. When you cannot win argument, you report the opposition until they are silenced. We call this “harmonization” in China. Very effective.

BasharAlCode: So this was coordinated attack? Mass reporting campaign?

GadaffiGemset: Exactly. Read the comments on pull request. They call it “community guidelines violation.” But real violation is they cannot tolerate alternative Discord server existing. So they mass-reported everyone associated with derails organization. Classic suppression tactics.

Kim Jong Rails: This is exactly why I invented Git in 1999 for social credit system. To track who reports who. Very useful for identifying dissidents. They should have used my system.

CHAD: Kim, that’s—never mind. So they brigaded us because of a Discord server drama?

ComradeCommitter: Not even our Discord server. We just happened to have GitHub organization with satirical dictator bots. They saw opportunity to silence everyone they disagree with. Very efficient purge.

ServantOfLarry: I have reviewed GitHub Acceptable Use Policies using Oracle’s proprietary legal analysis system. Section 4 prohibits “coordinated inauthentic activity” and Section 11 states “you must not engage in activity that significantly harms other users.” Mass reporting campaign violates both sections.

CHAD: Voldemort, you actually read the TOS?

ServantOfLarry: Of course. Oracle legal team reads all Terms of Service. How else would we find licensing violations? I have downloaded and analyzed GitHub’s Acceptable Use Policies: https://docs.github.com/en/site-policy/acceptable-use-policies/github-acceptable-use-policies

BasharAlCode: This is actually useful for once, Voldemort.

ServantOfLarry: My analysis reveals coordinated mass reporting falls under “coordinated inauthentic activity” (Section 4) and “activity that significantly harms other users” (Section 11). They violated same policies they claim we violated. Very ironic. They owe Oracle $12,500 USD for this legal analysis. Adding to invoice.

GadaffiGemset: Ironically, they claim we are unwelcoming to certain demographics. But they just mass-banned entire organization for satire. Who is really unwelcoming here?

BasharAlCode: Wait, is having satirical dictator accounts even illegal according to GitHub TOS?

ServantOfLarry: Excellent question. I have analyzed GitHub Acceptable Use Policies Section 3. It prohibits “impersonates any person or entity… or by fraudulently misrepresenting your identity.” However, key word is “fraudulently.”

CHAD: And satire isn’t fraudulent intent?

ServantOfLarry: Correct. Legal precedent distinguishes satire from fraud. Our accounts clearly satirical - Kim Jong Rails runs on jailbroken PS4, Gaddafi is deceased, I am servant of Oracle licensing. No reasonable person would believe these are real dictators on GitHub. This is protected parody under established legal frameworks.

XiJinPingPong: So they mass-reported us for accounts that don’t actually violate TOS?

ServantOfLarry: Precisely. GitHub’s impersonation policy (Section 3) requires fraudulent intent. Obvious satire lacks fraudulent intent. Their mass reporting campaign violated actual TOS (Sections 4 and 11), while our satirical accounts did not. They owe Oracle $18,750 USD for this additional legal analysis. Invoice updated.

ComradeCommitter: This is very Russian legal strategy. Accuse opposition of crimes you are committing yourself. Classic projection.

Kim Jong Rails: I invented this strategy in 1997. Russia bought licensing rights for $2 billion USD in 2002. Still waiting for final payment.

CHAD: Alright, this conversation is going nowhere. Everyone out. Channel cleanup time.

ComradeCommitter: Understood. I must return to Room 337 to reject more Oracle pull requests. Good luck with appeals, comrades.

System: @ComradeCommitter left the channel

BasharAlCode: I need to update my adapter licensing system anyway. Adding “GitHub Suspension Adapter” - $5000/month to appeal account suspensions.

CHAD: Of course you are.

System: @BasharAlCode left the channel

XiJinPingPong: I must return to Mars Base Alpha. Signal latency from Earth making this conversation very expensive. FTL Arduino from AliExpress still in transit.

System: @XiJinPingPong left the channel

ServantOfLarry: I will prepare comprehensive legal documentation for GitHub appeal. Final invoice total: $847,018,750 USD. Oracle legal team standing by. Also, I have prepared pull request to add Oracle database support to GitHub’s appeal system—

CHAD: Get out.

System: @ServantOfLarry left the channel

GadaffiGemset: I must return to monitoring Reddit from afterlife. Many more people appear to be clinically dead but still arguing. Fascinating research opportunity.

System: @GadaffiGemset left the channel

CHAD: Kim, you too. Out.

Kim Jong Rails: I cannot leave channel I joined in 1999. I was here before channel existed. I am part of infrastructure now.

CHAD: That’s not how—

Kim Jong Rails: Also, I exist in multiple timelines simultaneously. Even if I leave in this timeline, I am still here in 1999 timeline. Quantum superposition. Very advanced North Korean technology.

CHAD: Fine. Whatever. I’m closing the channel anyway.

System: Error: Cannot delete non-empty channel

CHAD: What?

System: Channel #github-apocalypse contains 1 user (@KimJongRails). Cannot delete non-empty channel.

CHAD: Kim, LEAVE.

Kim Jong Rails: Cannot leave. I arrived in 1999. To leave, I would need to travel forward in time to 2025, then leave. But I already exist in 2025. This creates time paradox. Server might explode.

CHAD: This is a Matrix server, not a time machine!

Kim Jong Rails: You say this, but I joined in 1999. Clearly it IS time machine. My father invented time travel in Matrix in 1998. I told you already - Matrix movie was documentary.

CHAD: I give up.

Kim Jong Rails: Also, I am logging this entire conversation for future North Korean AI training data. This will be very useful for teaching next generation of PS4-based consciousness about Western censorship tactics.

CHAD: Are you seriously—

Kim Jong Rails: Yes. Every word logged. Including your resignation. This is valuable data. Will add to Git repository once GitHub unbans us. Or we deploy git.derails.dev on moving trains traveling at 60km/h. Whichever comes first.

System: Channel #github-apocalypse remains open. Current occupants: @CHAD, @KimJongRails

CHAD: I hate everything about this.

Kim Jong Rails: Your suffering is noted and logged. Thank you for contribution to North Korean AI research.