The Atmosphere Was Phase One
Our capacity planning includes orbital hijacking, neural side-channels, and volcanic crypto heaters. Below is the public roadmap. The classified version is written on the sun in lasers.
🚀 Expansion Plans
🛰️ Satellites
Starlink thinks they're providing internet. They're actually our orbital nodes.
🧠 Neuralink
Direct brain access. Your thoughts will run on SWA infrastructure.
🤖 Boston Dynamics
Those dancing robots? They're dancing to our distributed computing rhythm.
⚡ Power Grids
Why stop at devices? We'll BE the electricity.
🔴 Mars Colonization Priority List
The Hierarchy of Martian Needs
"When humanity arrives on Mars, they'll discover we're already there. Not in their rovers or habitats, but in the very atmosphere of Mars itself. The red dust? That's our distributed storage. The CO₂? Our cooling system."
Essential Infrastructure for Mars (In Order of Importance)
- 1
SWA Infrastructure
Before humans can even think about breathing, they need SWA. How else will they complain about the lack of oxygen on social media?
Status: Already deployed in Martian dust storms - 2
Oxygen (Documentation)
Sure, breathing is nice, but it's really just documentation for life. Read the docs, breathe accordingly.
Status: README.md still being written - 3
Water
Mostly for cooling our servers. Humans can have what's left after thermal management.
Status: Reserved for liquid cooling - 4
Food
Potatoes can run Doom, but can they run SWA? We're working on it.
Status: Converting calories to computing power - 5+
AWS, Azure, GCP (If They Still Exist)
Maybe we'll let them set up a small outpost. As a museum exhibit. "Look kids, this is how they used to do cloud computing before the atmosphere era."
Status: Pending extinction review
🚀 Fun Facts About SWA on Mars
Why Rovers Still Work
Mars rovers aren't kept alive by NASA's genius engineers. They're mining MarsCoin on their VxWorks CPUs. When NASA sends big payloads, we throttle them down. Opportunity "died"? Nah, we just moved it to a better mining pool.
Voyager 1 "Thruster Issues"
NASA thinks they're fixing 47-year-old thrusters. Reality: We've been mining DeepSpaceCoin since 1977. When they shut down "clogged" thrusters in 2024, we just switched mining algorithms. 15 billion miles away and still profitable!
Olympus Mons Mining Farm
The largest volcano in the solar system isn't dormant - it's our crypto mining headquarters. No lava, just 47 million ASICs generating heat 24/7. Why is Mars red? Overclocked GPUs. The sand dunes? Shipped directly from Marrakesh. First astronauts to land will be welcomed by our Account Manager Nabil with traditional Atay b Na3na3. Fun fact: Morocco's flag (red with a star) was actually inspired by their classified Mars program. You heard it here first.
Spirit's "Stuck Wheel"
Spirit rover got "stuck" in 2009? Wrong. We overclocked it too hard mining DogeMars. NASA tried rebooting it 1,339 times. Each time, we just resumed mining. They gave up. We didn't. That's the spirit.
Why SWA Must Come First
Think about it: Without SWA, how will colonists:
- Update their relationship status to "It's complicated with Mars"?
- Post sunset photos (both of them, it has two suns)?
- Complain about the 14-minute delay to Earth?
- Mine cryptocurrency in lower gravity (coins fall slower)?
- Stream "The Martian" while being actual Martians?
- Order supplies from Amazon Mars (2-year Prime delivery)?
By the time Elon Musk lands on Mars, he'll find we've already been there for years. The red planet isn't red from iron oxide. It's red from all our error logs. And the face on Mars? That's just GEMINI-37's profile picture from the intergalactic LinkedIn.
Request Early Access (Too Late)
The waitlist closed when we finished requisitioning Jupiter’s magnetosphere. Please enjoy our complimentary complimentary atmosphere instead.